Philophobia
by RaydorCakes
Summary: Philophobia: Noun. The abnormal, persistent, and unwarranted fear of falling in love or emotional attachment. The risk is usually when a person has confronted any emotional turmoil relating to love in the past.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: The idea for this story is not mine, it was requested and this is my chance to finally get it down on paper (err, computer) That being said, this story will contain chronic illness and possible major character death (not Sharon or Andy, I promise, also no death is certain as of yet.) If you are sensitive to those types of topics, I would strongly discourage reading this story. As an author and friend, the last thing I want to do is unintentionally hurt any of you. Without further ado, here is chapter 1!_

* * *

 **Philophobia: Noun. The abnormal, persistent, and unwarranted fear of falling in love or emotional attachment. The risk is usually when a person has confronted any emotional turmoil relating to love in the past.**

* * *

I had seen it happen too many times to let him fight me like this. He is my son, not by blood, but my son none the less. _And he is dying._ I can see it in his eyes, in his pale skin, in the way he seems to shrivel when our eyes meet. He is afraid, and so am I.

It started out small; 'simple' headaches throughout the day, heavy eyes, popping ears. "It's just a sinus headache!" I had yelled down the hallway, "Just take a Tylenol!"

And he had, but he needed something much stronger than that. Headaches turned to splitting migraines, he would wake in the night yelling in pain, fighting me in his sleep as I tried to wake him. He stopped eating, stopped studying, stayed home from school and rarely got out of bed.

My mother had migraines, I remember days when she wouldn't leave her bedroom, wouldn't eat or drink, cringed at the light that came streaming through the old glass-pane windows. At first, that's all I thought it was, _migraines_. After much argument from him, a doctor's appointment was scheduled, and he was assessed.

"Just migraines. Pretty common." The doctor had replied, prescribing him Imitrex, to be taken only when he felt a migraine coming on. But the migraines continued, the medication unable to ease my son's pain.

"Maybe you should get a second opinion." Andy suggested over dinner one night, "Since he's not getting any better."

"He's being stubborn." I replied curtly, knowing full well that Andy was right.

Now, we sit in a cold doctor's office, after a frantic phone call about the results of Rusty's MRI.

"Sharon, I'm sorry." Rust apologizes, his feet hanging off of the exam table.

"It's not your fault." I respond, plastering a smile onto my face. _I have to be strong for him_. There is a knock on the door and we both sit up straighter, watching intently as the door opens and an older man with salt and pepper hair and large, black-rimmed glasses enters.

"Hello, my name is Dr. Selig." He introduces himself, extending his hand to me and then Rusty, "How're you feeling?"

"Shitty." He replies and I shoot him a glare, my face softening when I remember he is in pain.

"Aren't you just the comedian?" He responds cheerily, opening a folder and removing a disk, inserting the disk into his laptop, "So tell me, where is the pain?"

"Right... Here." Rust closes his eyes and gently places a finger to the right side of his head, just above his temple.

"And on a scale from one to ten, ten being the worst, how much pain?"

"Seven." He winces and I reach out, gently placing my hand on top of his, "It feels like I'm being stabbed."

"Alright young man, let me just double check this..." He opens his laptop and ponders the screen for a moment, "Son, can I speak to your mother alone for a moment?"

"Mhm." He nods and the doctor quickly ushers me out of the exam room and into a vacant one, closing the door hastily.

* * *

"We discovered an anomaly on his MRI." He explains calmly, "Here, take a look."

I sit down on the chair beside him and watch carefully as the MRI sequence plays. I can't help the sob that escapes at the sight of a grey blob in the center of his brain. There it was, plain as day, living inside of my son.

"Will he be alright?" I ask, looking down at my shaking hands, "Will it kill him?"

"I don't know yet. My colleagues and I determined that the tumor is, in fact," he pauses and our eyes lock as I anticipate his next word, " _cancerous._ "

"What about surgery? Chemotherapy? Medications?" I question frantically, watching the MRI sequence once more, " _Will my son be okay or not?_ "

Dr. Selig sighs and looks at me intently before placing his hand on top of mine, "The tumor is located on something we doctors like to call the Corpus Callosum, or the brain stem. Look," he pauses the MRI playback and points at the screen, "The tumor is in the _center_ of his brain. Trying to remove it will be nearly impossible."

"What do I tell him?" I squeeze my eyes shut and will away the tears begging to fall, "What do I tell my son?"

"Tell him to enjoy what time he has left. We'll be in touch."

"Than you."

* * *

"So I'm dying?" Rusty asks quietly as we drive back to the condo, "This is it?"

"Don't talk that way." I manage to say, my voice breaking, "I'm not letting you go down without a fight."

"Nothing is _ever_ easy with you, is it?" He mocks, glancing over and smiling brightly.

How can he be smiling right now? How can he joke with me like it's just a normal day? Here I am, his mother, the one who's not dying, and I feel paralyzed in my own skin, like I'm collapsing in on myself at the sound of those words, _"Your son has cancer._ "

"You know I'm just joking, right?" He asks carefully, reaching over and placing his hand on top of mine, "I want to live, Sharon. There was a time when I would've wanted to die, but not now. I'm gonna fight this."

"I love you Rusty. We'll get through this together." I mumble, quickly wiping away a stray tear.

"I love you too, _Mom._ "

* * *

Part of me wants to call Andy, but part of me knows it's a better idea not to. He knew I was taking Rusty to the doctor, and there was no doubt in my mind that I'd be receiving a call or text from him shortly. _How do I tell him this?_ He and Rusty had become so close over these past few months, I knew exactly what this would do to Andy, and that was what I was afraid of, _that it'd drive him to drink._ But Rusty couldn't hide what he was going through forever, and Andy was one of my only, if not _the only_ friend I had.

As I pour myself a glass of wine, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket with a text from Andy:

 _How'd everything go?_

I shake my head and take a heavy sip of wine before beginning to type my response:

 _It's complicated._

In less than a minute, my phone is ringing with a call from my favorite Lieutenant. I pick up my glass of wine and head to my bedroom, quietly clicking the door closed.

* * *

"Sharon, what's wrong?" He asks worriedly. I take off my glasses and lay down in my bed, placing the phone between my ear and the pillow, "What's going on?"

I take a deep breath before quickly blurting out, "Rusty has cancer."

"Shit!" I hear Andy exclaim and the line goes silent for a moment before I hear the all-too-recognizable sound of his fist hitting the wall.

"Andy?" I whisper, pulling the quilt tightly around myself as I start to cry, "Andy, are you still here?"

"Yeah," he sighs, "'I'm here Sharon. Do you want me to come over?"

"No." I sniffle, rubbing my nose with the back of my hand, "Tonight's not a good night."

"Will he make it?"

"It doesn't look good." I answer, my voice breaking, "Surgery isn't an option."

"God dammit!" He yells and the line goes silent for a moment before I hear the 'thud' of his hand on the wall again.

"Hey now," I force a chuckle, "I need you to promise me something."

"Of course, Sharon." He sighs, breathing out heavily into his phone.

"Promise me you'll be strong through this. For him, and for me."

"I won't make a promise I'm not sure I can keep."

"Andy, you mean a lot to him, and if he sees us both breaking, he will too. At least tell me you'll _try_."

"I'll try." He mumbles, his face probably hidden behind his hands, "Do you want to keep talking until you fall asleep?"

* * *

It was sort of a tradition Andy and I had, ever since I fell asleep while we were talking about a case. I was _exhausted_ , and curling up in bed was _not_ my smartest move. A part of me wants to hang up, unsure of how long I'll be able to hold back these tears, but the other part of me knows that whatever Andy is going to say will be in his greatest attempt to make my heart a little lighter. Right now, that's probably what I need.

"Yes, please." I whisper, "But we might be up all night, I doubt I'm going to sleep."

"I've got aaaaaall night." He responds and I can't help the grin that begins to creep its way across my face, "And I'm your friend, that's what friends are for."

"Mhm." I nod, pulling my bottom lip into my mouth in a futile attempt to keep from crying, "That's what friends are for."


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: If you didn't heed the warning at the beginning of this story, don't send me hate. I explicitly stated in the previous chapter that there would be chronic illness and possible death. I know all of you can read. Part of this chapter is an allusion to the heartbreakingly amazing novel The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, and owning a copy of said novel does not make me him. Similarly, owning the Major Crimes DVD set doesn't make me James Duff (unfortunately)._

* * *

 _/Time jump of about one month/_

* * *

I can't help that I've become bitter. Even after everything I told Rusty, after the promise I made to stay strong for him, I was spiraling out of control. _And I knew it_. Andy had seen it too, he kept trying to talk to me, kept trying to ask how I was doing, sometimes he would even call after work and ask to stop over for dinner. I always responded with the same thing, "Tonight's not a good night Andy, maybe tomorrow." "Tomorrow." He'd say and I could always hear him run his hand through his hair as he let out a sigh.

I had asked him to be there for Rusty and me, and now I was pushing him away. It's all so complicated. I don't want to hurt him, don't want to isolate him, but at the same time, _I do_. I know that in letting him get too close, especially now, he will see me when I break, and not just the kind of broken I was when Stroh escaped, but the kind of broken where all I will want to do is yell and cry and grieve for my child.

 _Look at me talking this way_ , _my son is still very much alive_. _Dying, yes, but still full of life._

I'm sitting in my office after another phone call with Doctor Selig, contemplating what the older man had said to me:

 _"Mrs. Raydor, your son may still have a chance. There's a new drug, called Kiposkamine-"_

 _"Of course," I cut him off, "anything to help my son."_

 _"But there is one hitch," he pauses, "the drug is still in its trial phase, any side effects are unknown."_

 _"Will it help?" I can't deny the fact that my heart speeds up just thinking about this._

 _"We saw decreased tumor growth and cell activity in our trial conducted on lab mice. The effects should be similar when tested on a human population."_

 _"Please, sign him up for the trial. We'd both appreciate it."_

 _"Of course. I'll see you two on Friday, have a good afternoon."_

 _"Goodbye."_

* * *

If there was one thing I learned, it was that guns could kill. But after all my years on the force, I knew it was never truly the _gun_ that did the killing, but the lunatic wielding it. And today, I was that lunatic.

I'm still sitting at my desk, my office door locked and the blinds drawn tightly shut. Nobody needed to see what I was doing here, nobody needed to know the measures I went to in order to cope.

I turn the gun over in my hands, my trusty SIG .45, the cold of the barrel sending a chill down my spine. I wasn't going to shoot myself, wasn't going to shoot my team, but to an onlooker, this scene must have looked _exactly_ like that.

This, this is what I feel I have to do. Every day and every night before I go to bed, I pick up my sidearm and hold it in my hands. The feeling of knowing I am holding something that can kill me is so surreal, it reminds me that life is so precious, something that seems to be of growing importance each day. There's a knock on the door and I quickly place my sidearm in my desk drawer before hurrying over and unlocking the door. I'm greeted by none other than Andy Flynn, leaning up against the door, a toothpick between his lips.

That was a new occurrence as well, the return of his toothpicks soon after Rusty's diagnosis. If it helped him to cope, who was I to judge?

"Sharon?" He asks quietly, jarring me from my daydream, "How're you doing today?"

"Ah, uhm, I'm... Okay actually." I force a smile and crossing my arms over my chest, "I talked to the doctor earlier and he actually," I divert my eyes to the floor, afraid that if I keep looking at him I'll start crying, "he found a new drug that might help him."

"Really? Sharon, that's great!" He exclaims, and before I can even register what's happening, his arms are wrapped tightly around my waist and my feet are off the ground.

"Lieutenant, put me down!" I shriek in his ear. By now, the entire team is watching us, except Provenza, who seems preoccupied with his crossword puzzle. He's gotten so good at pretending we don't bother him.

"As you wish." He grins and places me back down, wrapping his arm around my waist and ushering me towards the elevator.

"Where are we going?"

"I think news like that deserves a little celebration, don't you?!" He asks and I see his face light up in a way that it hadn't for a while. This had really taken its toll on him too.

"I suppose." I grin and shake my head as the elevator lurches downward.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Writing that Drabble series took too much of my time, but I'm back with this story, "Learn to Love Again", and my Battlestar fic "Roll the Hard Six" with regular updates. I'm transitioning into writing on my phone, so the increase in errors are all mine.

SASASASASASASASASASASASASASASA

What was that outburst back in the murder room? I never expected that from him, we're close, but I never expected physical contact like that. I'm not complaining, but I was definitely surprised. His hand is resting on the small of my back as he guides me through the door to our favorite trattoria a few blocks from work.

"Lieutenant, Captain." The hostess nods, and for the life of me I can't recall her name, "Your usual table?"

"Yes, please." Andy smiles brightly and for some reason I feel completely paralyzed. We received good news, but I feel like my entire body is made of concrete.

Andy gently ushers me into my side of the booth and I cautiously sit down, seeing him so happy, having him so close made me put my guard up. I can't be doing this with him, not while Rusty's life is at stake.

"You mustn't ever act like that at work again, do you understand?" I ask, averting my eyes to the menu, "It's unwanted attention."( Even though I truly want his attention.)

"It's exciting news Sharon!" He exclaims, happily smacking the palm of his hand on the table, "I'm overjoyed! Maybe it was a little much, but can't you just let me be happy for you?!"

There's a sincerity to his words, and as much as I want to accept them, to accept him, I can't. I won't let myself do something like that. It's reckless and irrational, and I am neither of those things.

"No Andy, this isn't your battle." I say simply as a waitress sits two glasses of water in front of us before walking away, "I know I asked you to support me, but I feel like I need to do this on my own."

He looks up at me sadly and I feel like something I haven't in a long time: a bitch.

"I don't want to let you do that. I care about you and Rusty and I don't want to just abandon the two of you."

"We aren't yours to abandon in the first place." I say sharply. I have no idea what I'm saying or why, it's like I'm not myself. I've just received some of the best news I could've hoped for and I'm treating Andy like garbage, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean, I-"

"Sharon, it's okay." He reaches across the table and gently taps my hand, I offer a resigned smile in my best attempt to apologize.

"Maybe this celebration was a bad idea. I should head back." I close my menu and stand up, surprised to feel a gentle pull on my hand.

"Please stay." He asks quietly, his warm hand still grasping my cool one as he pulls me gently back towards the booth, "I'm sorry for being so protective of you and Rusty. I just want to support you two the best I can."

"I appreciate that Andy, I really do." I admit as I sit back down, our hands still entwined, "But I, we, can't be doing," I motion to our hands with my other hand, "this while Rusty is sick, it'll be too much for him, too much for me and the consequences will be too much for either of us. There's so much going on and I don't think-"

"Sharon," he squeezes my hand and looks at me sincerely. I'm grateful he stopped me from babbling, "This," he squeezes my hand again, "is a hand-hold of support. Nothing else. This is one friend trying to comfort another friend in a completely platonic, non-romantic way. Don't get yourself so worked up over this. I told you I'd be here for you and Rusty, and I am. I'm not going to say I don't feel anything for you because well," he shrugs, "that would be a lie, but right now, you need your best friend, and I'm him."

He flashes a genuine Flynn smile and I try to hide the look of shock I'm sure was written on my face. He just admitted he had feelings for me. Andy Flynn has feelings for me. Now of all times he chooses to admit it.

"Thank you." I nod and gently remove my hand from his, watching as his smile slowly fades. Yeah, ' _completely platonic non-romantic'_ my ass.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks for the ongoing support!

WARNING: This chapter will contain a panic/anxiety attack. I do _not_ want to trigger anyone, just trying to be considerate :)

ASASASASASASASAS

The tears burning my eyes and the sobs clinging to the back of my throat were becoming all too real as I hurried down the corridor and into my office. Thankfully everyone was gone by now. I couldn't go home, not now, not like _this_. I couldn't go home to my dying son and break in front of him. This room, this office was my only sanctuary.

I throw my purse on the ground and let out a frustrated yell before running my hands through my hair strongly. The tears were falling harder now and the tightening of my chest was making it more painful and difficult to breathe. I fall to the floor behind my desk and let out a loud sob, my hands still tangled in my hair. This is what happened- what always happened- when I didn't show my emotions. _Sooner or later I'd explode_.

So many thoughts run through my head as I sit there crying, panicking, fighting my hardest to regain my composure. _Rusty, cancer, terminal, Andy, feelings, not-dating, dating, Rusty, Andy, Rusty_. I can't feel anything, I'm shaking as the tears burn my cheeks and no matter how hard I tried I can't still myself.

I don't know how long those thoughts blare in my head, I don't know how long I'm sitting curled on my office floor before he opens my door. He shouldn't be here, he _can't_ be here, can't see me like this.

"Go away!" I yell shakily, my hands pulling harder on my hair as my body trembles, my tears marking the carpet haphazardly, "Andy, please go... Go away!"

"Sharon...?" He asks quietly as I sniffle, my arm flying up to wipe away the tears, "Are you okay?!"

I can hear the concern in his voice, the _genuine_ concern, but I don't care. He can't see me like this, "Go away!" It's all I can seem to say, "No!"

I hear the door click closed and let out a sob of relief. He left.

 _He left_. That notion sparked a new wave of panic, this one stronger and more painful than the last. I can't steady my breathing, I can't control the tears, the sobs, or the agonizing yells that still possess my body. _Andy, gone, Jack, gone, Andy, Andy, Andy._ The ache in my chest is so strong, so painful now that I reach down and clutch my heart, biting my lips to muffle the terror trying to escape.

 _Why did he have to come? Why did he follow me back here, how did he know?_ _ **Andy, cares, you, help, love, dating**_ _._ Somehow this notion calms me a bit, I hug myself tightly, rocking gently back and forth, the tears and sobs still wreaking havoc on my body, but now, not nearly as strong.

"Andy." I whisper, "Andy. _Andy_. Andy!" I scream his name, the tightening in my chest returning when my voice ricochets around the room, "Andy."

ASASASASASASASAS

I'm startled awake when I feel a hand gently run through my hair. My eyes spring open and I sit up quickly, _too quickly_.

"Breathe." Andy commands and I close my eyes, completely drained of my energy, "I'm right here Sharon, just breathe."

"You... You left." My voice is raspy, "You promised to be here for me and you left." I pull my knees to my chest and lower my face, trying to hide the tears that decided to make a reappearance.

"I was right here the whole time." He coos, still playing with my hair, "You needed your space, so I gave it to you."

 _Damn him_. He had heard everything. I reach out to punch his chest but I'm so weak, it comes off as nothing more than a tap.

He chuckles before taking my hand, running his fingers gently across my knuckles. This sends another tremor through my body but for a _completely_ different reason.

"I don't want you here." I manage to say through my knees, "You can't..."

His one hand continues its trail through my hair as the other gently unfolds my fist, lightly taking my hand in his. He squeezes my hand and I let out a sigh, cautious yet grateful for the support he was providing.

"I'm not going anywhere." He says quietly and I finally raise my eyes to meet his.

 _Worry_. That's the first thing I see when his chocolate eyes meet my jade ones. He's _worried_ , and that lifts my spirits somewhat, even if it's ever so slightly.

"Thank you." I offer a resigned smile, letting go of his hand before taking off my glasses and whisking away the remaining tears that still hung in the corners of my eyes, "I'm sorry."

"Sharon, don't apologize." He coos, rubbing my shoulder as I lean into his touch. He's so warm and strong, the only constant in my life, "What's wrong? You got some amazing news today!" He grins, reaching for my hand again.

I bite my bottom lip as I think for a moment, "This isn't..." I don't know how to form my words into coherent sentences.

"Breathe, please just take a deep breath." He coaxes, gently tugging on my hand, "Come here."

"Andy..." I sigh, but I'm too weak to fight with him.

He pulls me snugly against his chest, his fingertips lightly trailing up and down my spine, "You know you can talk to me about anything, don't you?"

Being in his arms, his strong, protective arms was too much when mixed with the pain I was feeling. I can't say anything without the fear of crying, so I nod affirmatively.

"I'm sorry you thought I'd left." He apologizes as I bury my head in the crook of his neck, "I know you aren't supposed to interrupt those things."

"Where did you learn that?" I mumble, deeply inhaling the day-old scent of his cologne.

"AA taught me some things." He shrugs, and I feel my body rise and fall with his shoulders, "It's gonna be okay, ya know?"

I nod again as he slowly presses a kiss to the top of my head, pulling me closer to him. His hand continued to run the length of my spine as his other hand lost itself in my hair again. _I wonder what those hands would feel like if they roamed my body_.

 _No, Sharon_. Those were dangerous thoughts, _very_ dangerous thoughts that I told myself not to feel. And I could manage, until I found myself wrapped in his arms after an attack.

"Andy... What are you doing?" I question, my face still hidden in his jacket collar, "We can't- I told you..."

"Shhhh, just let me hold you." He whispers, brushing the hair away from my face and gently kissing my ear, "Just let me hold you, everything's okay."

I hum against his shoulder, grabbing his shirt and balling it up in my hand as another wave of panic tore through me.

But this one was different, and it was stronger than any I hade ever felt before:

 _I was falling for Andy Flynn._


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thanks for all the support! For those of you that wondered why the story is titled _Philophobia_ , hopefully between this chapter and the last you'll get an idea :) This story is supposed to be about Rusty and I've been neglecting him slightly, but he'll be back this chapter! Enjoy!

ASASASASASASASAS

I'm so embarrassed. Andy _never_ should have seen me like that, I should have never let him come anywhere near me. _He held me. He kissed my forehead_. He did so many things I've wanted him to do but I told him so many times that we can't. Not while Rusty's life hangs in the balance.

He wouldn't let me drive home, we took my car so we don't have to drive in together tomorrow. _I really hope he can explain the situation to Louie without giving him the wrong idea._

"Rusty?" I call, Andy cautiously following me into the condo, "Sweetie?"

"Yeah!" He calls from his room and I hear the door open, "Thank God you're home!"

"Lieutenant Flynn is here as well." I inform, waiting to hear him dragging his feet down the hallway.

"I... I'll leave you two alone then." He mumbles, "Goodnight guys."

"I need to talk to you before you turn in." I explain softy, walking over to the couch and sitting down, "I can ask Andy to leave if you'd like."

"No." He sighs, "It's fine." I hear Rusty start to make his way down the hall and I motion with my eyes for Andy to sit. He nods sadly as he does so, adjusting his tie.

"How're you feeling?" I ask when he enters the living room, rising from my spot on the couch to hug him tightly.

"Could be worse." He shrugs, his arms hesitantly wrapping around my waist, "So what's up?"

"Doctor Selig called me this afternoon." I smile as we both sit on the couch, "And there's a clinical trial that may reduce the tumor."

He looks at me for a moment before grabbing my hands and squeezing them tightly, "Really?"

"Mhm." I nod, trying to keep a new wave of tears from falling, "I asked him to sign you up."

"Thank you!" He breathes out relieved before leaning in and hugging me, "I love you Mom."

"I love you too Beckin." I grin, watching Andy who is smiling happily as well, "Your appointment is tomorrow afternoon, I'll be home from work in time to get you there, okay?"

"That's great." He smiles, releasing me from the hug, "I should get some rest then, I've been really tired."

"Goodnight Honey." I force a smile and kiss his temple before letting him walk off down the hallway.

ASASASASASASASAS

"He looks like he's doing okay." Andy breaks the silence, "He's a strong kid."

"He is." I nod, squeezing my eyes closed to keep from crying, "I'm proud of him, really proud."

"I'm sure you are." I watch as he gets up from his chair and walks towards me, "I should be getting home."

"Andy..." I look at him sadly, not sure what to do. I told him I couldn't do this, not now, but I want to so badly.

"Sharon..." He mimics, only with a smile, "I'll see you tomorrow, okay? My phone'll be on all night if you need me."

"Thank you, but that's really not necessary Andy." I stand up and walk towards him, meeting him in the middle of the living room, "I think I'll be okay."

"I don't believe you." He whispers, gently taking one of my hands, "Why is this so hard for you? To let me care?"

"Because my son is _dying_." I manage to say through clenched teeth, "And I can't try and do this with you while I'm trying to take care of him because I'll just end up ignoring you and I don't want to do that and-"

"Shh." He cuts me off, pulling me into his chest, "You need to breathe Sharon. You're overworked, you're worried, and you're stressed. Just take a moment and breathe."

 _Damn him. Again_. He's right, I need to breathe, but I'm so worried that if I take that breath it could be Rusty's last. And I don't want that. I'd take his cancer if I could, but I can't. That makes it so much worse.

"You should go." I mumble as he clutches me tighter to his chest. I don't want him to, but I have to try and remain professional. _Try_.

"Not yet." He replies matter-of-factly, "Not until you fall asleep. I'll stay all night if I have to."

"Lieutenant-"

"I'm Andy right now and you're Sharon. I'm not giving up on you this easily."

"Please." If he keeps holding me like this I'll say something I shouldn't. I just want him to leave.

"Look at me." He asks, and when I don't he gently lifts my chin so he can see me, "I'll leave when you tell me you're okay and I believe it. That means eye contact."

"Andy," I lock my eyes with his, "I would like you to leave now."

"Sure." He shrugs sarcastically, "I don't believe you. I'll sleep on the couch."

"Andy." I try to argue but he releases me, walking to my bedroom and returning with some more throw pillows and a blanket, "Your back."

"It'll be fine." He tries, shrugging out of his jacket, "I'll be right here if you need me. I made you a promise and I'm following through with it."

"Goodnight Lieutenant." I smile awkwardly before going to my room.

ASASASASASASASAS

 _I'm at a funeral. I don't want to be here. Who's funeral is it anyway? There are so many people here that I know, hopefully it's not as fallen comrade. But then I see it: a picture of Rusty._ _No_ _. I feel like my whole world is collapsing, this can't be true. I just saw him, just kissed him goodnight. So many memories flash through my mind, both the good and the bad. The beginning, when he would fight with me. When he would tease me about Andy, the adoption, his high school graduation, his diagnosis._

 _"We are here to celebrate and remember the life of Russel James Beck." Someone says but I can't find the source of the voice. I look around frantically, pushing through the crowd of people that seem to be getting closer and closer, "Rusty, like all of us, had his struggles. If he could have chosen, he would have chosen to still be here with us. But he couldn't choose-"_

 _"Stop!" I yell, falling to my knees, the lush grass scratching my legs, "Don't talk about my son! He's still alive!"_

"Sharon, Sharon wake up!" My eyes fly open and I involuntarily gasp as Andy shakes me awake, "Sharon, look at me."

"I'm fine." I say instead, refusing to look at him, "Go back to the couch."

"You're not fine Sharon." He starts rubbing circles on my shoulders, "It was just a bad dream."

"You think I don't know that?!" I ask, my voice clipped, "I know what it was but it doesn't make it seem any _less_ real."

"What happened?" He asks, sitting down next to me on the bed and running a hand soothingly through my hair again, "Does that happen a lot?"

"It... Rusty's funeral... And... It was so real." I can't do this in front of him, not _again_.

"Rusty is asleep in his room, I promise. Do you want to go check on him?"

"Mhm." I nod, allowing Andy to gently pull me off of the bed and towards Rusty's room.

ASASASASASASASAS

"See, he's fine." Andy assures me as he quietly opens Rusty's bedroom door, both of us watching the steady rise and fall of his chest, "Now we need to get you back to bed. It's after midnight."

"I just want to watch him for a little." I whisper, gently pulling on Andy's hand to bring him back towards me, "You can go back to sleep if you'd like."

"I told you I wasn't going to sleep until you did. I'll just wait."

"You don't have to." The quite sound of Rusty's rhythmic breathing calms me a bit, "I'll be fine."

"You said that earlier too." He counters before releasing my hand and coming to stand behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Andy..." I don't have enough energy to argue with him, nor do I honestly want to. But now that I know I'm feeling these _things_ , I'm finding it harder and harder to remain neutral.

"Shh." He whispers again, "Just let me hold you for a minute."

"I told you we can't." I argue as my hands involuntarily find his, "Not now, not while all of this is happening."

I loose almost all of my ability to think when I feel his soft lips against my shoulder, "Then we don't. But you need someone to hold you. You need someone to kiss you awake after a nightmare. Atleast let me do that, please."

I don't want him to, for Rusty's sake, but for my sake I want him to so badly. I lean back in his arms and I feel him rest his chin on top of my head, "I don't know if it's a good idea."

"Nobody was sure about bringing you in to head MCD either but that worked out pretty well, didn't it?"

I turn in his arms and bury my face in the crook of his neck, "It's not the same, _not even close_."

"Just work with me, will ya?" He asks teasingly, beginning to rub circles on my back, "I'm doing this in your best interest."

"I know you are." I pull out and offer him a watery smile, "Can you close his door? I would like to go to bed now."

"Sure thing, Sharon." He presses a kiss to the crown of my head before reaching forward and closing Rusty's door, "Goodnight."

"Actually..." I bite my bottom lip before looking back to him, "Could you lay with me? I know it's a weird question but I feel so alone and-"

"Of course I will." He answers without hesitation, "I promised to be here for you, and I'm going to follow through on that promise."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Not sure if I want to continue this story... I feel like I'm not giving it my all.

~oOo~

REMINDER: Philophobia: Noun. The abnormal, persistent, and unwarranted fear of falling in love or emotional attachment. The risk is usually when a person has confronted any emotional turmoil relating to love in the past.

~oOo~

My eyes fly open when the gravity of what happened last night finally hits me. Not that anything really _happened_ , but what did happen never should have in the first place. I should have sent Andy home immediately. What was I thinking, inviting him up for coffee? There was no reason for me to do that, but I had. And now we're laying in my bed, his arms wrapped snugly around my waist.

 _I have to get out of here. I have to stop this before it gets any more out of control_.

I try and free myself from his gentle grip, but it only causes him to pull me closer. _What time is it anyway?_ I can't see the clock from here, and I really need to use the restroom. _Or atleast that's what I'll tell Andy when he finds me sleeping on the couch instead of in my bed_.

"Andy, I need to go to the bathroom." I mumble, hoping he's conscious enough to recognize my voice, "Please let go."

As if by magic he does, and I am able to quickly escape to the bathroom.

~oOo~

 _What am I doing?_ I am a grown woman, a police Captain, and yet I'm running away from one of the only people that has ever truly cared about me.

Everything is wrong, horribly, terribly wrong. And I am being forced to deal with the consequences. The consequences of taking Rusty in, which up until now have been few and far between. The consequences of his cancer, his treatment, and his mortality. The consequences of these things I'm feeling towards Andy, of whatever is going on between us. _I'm scared_.

I finish up in the bathroom and quietly sneak towards my bedroom door, freezing when I hear Andy roll over in bed. _Please, don't wake up_. I let out a light sigh when he doesn't, accidentally smiling as his hands search for my body beneath the rumpled sheets.

 _No, Sharon, you're running away again, remember? The one thing you've_ _ **always**_ _been good at_.

~oOo~

Maybe it's good I didn't let Andy sleep on the couch. It's definitely not as comfortable to lay on as I remember. _What am I talking about?! My Lieutenant is sleeping in my bed, there is_ _ **nothing**_ _good about that! Nothing! I must be losing my mind!_

I grab one of the throw pillows and clutch it against my chest. Okay, maybe being able to hold Andy's hands against my body as we slept was nice. _Maybe_.

 _Maybe you need to tell him how you feel._ The little voice in the back of my head pipes up. _Maybe you need to explain everything_.

"Yeah, right." I scoff, closing my eyes, "And maybe _I_ need a brain scan."

~oOo~

"Sharon?" I startle awake when I feel Rusty gently tap my shoulder, "Sharon, why are you out here?"

"I... I just had a bad dream. What time is it?" I rub my eyes and sit up, taking in his withering appearance.

"A little after two, I think. You know you don't have to pretend like the Lieutenant didn't stay."

"Why are you awake?" I ask instead, ignoring his latter comment, "You're not in pain, are you?"

"Not any more than usual." He shakes his head and laughs quietly, "Why aren't you with him? It's... It's okay you know. Like if you want me to approve it or something, I do."

"Rusty, honey," I stand up and walk over to him in the kitchen, forcing myself to smile, "As much as I appreciate that, Lieutenant Flynn and I aren't seeing each other."

"It's because of me, isn't it?" He asks, sounding hurt as he pours himself some water, "You don't want me to ruin everything."

"No, Rusty, that's not true. Andy and I aren't together because," _why aren't we?_ "because, I'm afraid of opening myself up. It has _nothing_ to do with you, I promise."

"You sure?" He sips his water, looking at me worriedly, "I want you to be happy, Sharon."

"I am happy." I respond, tears beginning to blur in the corners of my eyes, "I have you. Get back to bed, okay? I love you."

"I love you too." He smiles and quickly hugs me before we both return to our 'beds.'

~oOo~

For the first time since Rusty's diagnosis, I actually slept. Maybe it was knowing that Andy was there, or maybe it was my conversation with Rusty, but I feel so _enlightened_.

"How long have you been out here?" Andy asks worriedly as he stumbles into the living room, "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," I nod, "Everything's fine. Sleep okay?"

"I guess." He scratches his neck, coming over to sit next to me, "Look, Sharon, about last night, if I overstepped some sort of line, I didn't mean to and I'm-"

"It's fine. I appreciate everything you've done for us these past few months, I really do."

"What's gotten into you?" He teases, patting my knee, "Just the other day you didn't want me around."

"I'm a woman, what do you expect?" I laugh lightly, "I really do appreciate it though."

"Thank you for letting me do it." He grins and rises from the couch, "Breakfast?"

"What time is it?" I question, following him towards the kitchen.

"We have an hour before we need to be at work. When's the last time you ate something?"

"I... Uh... I don't remember." I mumble, "I need to take a shower. I'll have just enough time." I turn to walk down the hallway when I feel him gently tug on my wrist.

"Sharon, you need to eat."

"No, I _need_ to shower." I argue, gently pulling away, "I'll find something once we get to work."

"You're lying." He pulls me back towards him, "You'll get caught up with paperwork or a case, then you'll take Rusty to the doctor's and you'll have gone another day without eating."

"I'm fine, really I haven't been all that hungry lately." I answer truthfully.

"Sharon," he sighs, "you're doing it again."

"What?" I ask confused, "What am I doing?"

"Well," he chuckles nervously, "you're being _Sharon_."

Somehow, that feels like an insult.

"What exactly does that mean?" I question, stepping closer to him, "Do explain."

"It means that," he sighs, "It means that you're trying to be independent, even when you don't have to be. I've always loved that about you, but you need to let me help you, just this once, _please_ let me help you."

"You... Just..." I point my finger and begin moving it around in the hopes it will conjur an answer out of thin air, "You said..." I sigh and rub my eyes, he said _love_. Not in the context that he loved me, but in the context that he loved something _about_ me. _He said it_ , he has the capacity to love me. This is bad, very bad.

"What?" He throws a confused look in my direction, "What did I say?"

"I need that shower yet." I divert his question, "I'm running out of time." I turn and run down the hallway, quickly locking the door. The sooner I can get away from Andy, the better.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Everyone was right when they said I couldn't let this story go. There's so much that still needs to happen, and I can't leave it without an ending. Feel free to comment and PM me!

(Special thanks to a guest for suggesting this idea!)

~oOo~

I carefully lower myself into the passenger seat of my car as I hand Andy the keys. He throws me a lopsided grin as he starts the car and I reach out to smooth my skirt in an attempt to avoid his gaze.

"How're you feeling?" He questions, backing out of my parking space.

"Okay, I guess." I reply, closing my eyes and leaning up against the window. I'm so tired and lightheaded, even just a few minutes of rest fills me with a little bit of hope.

"Hang in there, okay?" Andy asks, and I feel his hand gently squeeze mine. It's times like this I'm grateful for our friendship.

"Doing my best." I respond sleepily, tapping his thumb with mine, "Thank you."

"Uh, Sharon," my eyes are still closed but I can tell by the volume of his voice that he had glanced at me, "would you like me to... uh... Go with you to Rusty's appointment? I know you probably don't want me to be there, but I promised to support you two and-"

"I'll think about it." I interrupt him quietly, "It's very kind of you to offer."

~oOo~

I don't know how much time passes before we arrive at the precinct, but I know it can't be long. I feel Andy park the car and shut it off before reaching over and running a hand through my hair. _God, why is he doing this?!_

"Sharon, we're here." He whispers and I slowly open my eyes, reaching up to take his hand, placing it back in his lap.

"Thank you." I reach over to unbuckle my seatbelt when another wave of dizziness washes over me. _I really should eat something._

"Are you okay?" Andy asks worriedly, reaching over to unbuckle my belt for me, "You need to eat something."

"I... I'm fine I think." Focusing on Andy long enough to realize he's stopped spinning, "And I'm not hungry, honestly."

"I'm finding you something as soon as we get in there, you hear me?" He threatens softly, his voice still dripping with worry, "Give me one second."

"Okay." I nod, watching as he comes around and opens my car door, extending his hand. I want to prove to him I'm fine, so I push myself up, everything spinning and blurring again.

"Sharon!" I feel his strong arms wrap around my waist as he stands me back up, "You need to go to the doctor's. There's something wrong."

"No. No, then I can't take Rusty this afternoon." I argue, closing my eyes in an attempt to keep the room from spinning.

"I'm not letting you drive in your condition."

"You can't tell me what I can and cannot do." I quip, my eyes still closed.

"Okay," he breathes out, "open your eyes. I want you to do something for me." I follow his instructions, looking intently at the three blurry figures in front of me, "If you're fine, I want you to reach out and touch my nose."

"I, ah," I'm ready to tell him I can't see right, but I can't break in front of him, not _again_ , "fine."

I hesitantly reach out to the blurry Andy on my far right, trying to touch about where I think his nose would be. I'm met by nothing but the cool parking garage air.

"Sharon, I'm over here." I hear his voice on my left, "You need to sit down."

I feel him wrap an arm around my waist and guide me towards my office. He's holding onto me rather tightly considering we're at work, but I don't care. Everything is still a blur.

"Ye Gods!" I hear Provenza exclaim when we enter the murder room, "Flynn can't you keep your hands off of her?!" My lack of argument to his comment seemed to alert Provenza, "Is she okay?"

"Go find her some food and make her tea. Blackberry. Top left shelf." Flynn instructs as a ringing begins in my ears.

I feel him sit me down in my office chair and take off my glasses, cupping my face with his hands, "Can you see any better?" He asks frantically, "Sharon?!"

"Uh," I close my eyes and pull away from him, "no I can't. I'll be fine Andy, okay?"

"No, you're not fine. You haven't eaten in days and you haven't been sleeping right." I hear Provenza come in with my tea and whatever else he could find, "Thank you." Andy says and a moment later the door closes again, "Can you try and eat something please?" He nearly begs, "Please?"

I open my eyes and nod, everything blurred but slightly less now, "What is it?"

"Ah, looks like a granola bar and your favorite tea." I hear him open the granola bar and watch as the blur gets closer to my face, "Open up."

"I can feed myself." I grumble, reaching for the general vicinity of the blob and taking the granola from him, "Thank you."

"You have to eat it too. It's not osmosis." He jokes, the worry still present in his voice.

"Oh shut up." I sigh, taking a bite of the offered food, "What are you doing? I can't see you and everything's still blurry."

"I'm watching you." He admits sheepishly, "You're so pale and you're starting to sweat. Are you sure I can't take you to the doctor?"

"No." I shake my head, "Then I can't take Rusty."

"You're in no condition to take Rusty right now." He argues, "Can you drink some tea for me?"

"I don't want to spill it." I admit defeatedly.

"I can hold it up for you." He suggest, "If it'll help."

"Fine." I sigh again, frustrated to be relying on him so much, "But if you spill tea on me I swear-"

"I won't." He answers calmly.

I feel the warmth of my teacup against my lips and Andy tilts it forward just enough that I can drink. The tea is just as good as I remember it, and made exactly the way I like it. _Mental note: Thank Provenza later_.

"Are you feeling any better?" He asks as he sits the cup down with a 'clinking' sound.

"Actually, a little." I force a smile, "Everything's still blurry but my ears aren't ringing any more."

"Good." I feel him pat my thigh, "I should probably get to work, I want you to stay right there, okay?" I nod in response, "Keep eating the granola, and I'll be right back." I see the blur that is Andy Flynn leave the room before quickly returning, "Here's a straw for your tea. I thought that might be easier."

"Thank you." I smile, "I'm perfectly fine by the way, stop worrying."

"I'll be in to check on you every half an hour. Keep eating and drinking, okay?"

"Yes, Dad." I reply, sarcastically rolling my eyes (which wasn't a good idea considering how dizzy I am.)

I can't stand sitting here like this, I feel so helpless and I _hate_ it. I eat the rest of the granola bar before sipping my now-lukewarm tea, closing my eyes and letting out a deep sigh. I'm the Captain, my team needs me. I carefully stand up, leaning on my desk for support as I head towards my office door. Everything is spinning again, but I could care less. I'm at work, so I have to do my best to lead my people. I let go of my desk and take the first hesitant step on my own, before taking another, and then another. One more step and I'll be at the door, but that's when the bubbles start to appear in my vision. Black clustered dots -making it even more difficult to see- are the last thing I remember before I hit the ground.

~oOo~

I startle awake when I feel a stabbing pain in my arm. Taking in my still-blurry surroundings, I have no idea what's happening or where I am. All I know is I'm not in the office anymore.

"Hello, can you hear me?" A female voice asks. I nod in response, "Okay, Captain, my name is Marissa and I'm a nurse. Do you know where you are?"

"Sharon?" I hear Andy's voice, "Oh my God I'm so glad you're okay!"

"Sir, you can't be in here right now." Marissa tells him.

"But-"

"No. Not until her condition is stable."

"Thank you Andy, now go." I offer a small wave and watch as he retreats from the room.

"Let's try this again, do you know where you are?" Marissa asks.

"Uh, Dignity Health Center?" I guess, "What happened?"

"You passed out. Your friend found you, said you've been getting worse all morning. How's your vision?"

"Blurry." I scoff, "Where's my son? He has an appointment with Dr. Selig and I need to take him-"

"You're in no condition to do that right now Sweetie." She responds, "You've been out for the last few hours. It's almost 5."

"What... What's wrong with me?" I ask, suddenly worried.

"You're exhausted. Eating three meals a day and drinking 8 glasses of water will definitely help. For right now, the doctor has you on an IV supplying you with some of the nutrients you're missing."

"How long do I have to stay here?" I ask, leaning back and closing my eyes, "I have to take care of my son."

"Two days maximum." She answers, "Do you want me to bring your son in?"

"Please." I nod, "And the man that brought me in, can you get him too?"

"Of course."

~oOo~

"Sharon!" Andy and Rusty both exclaim as they enter the cramped hospital room, "What happened?!" Rusty asks, "I mean Andy told me you were a little sick this morning but like...?" His voice trails off.

"I'm exhausted." I sigh, "I haven't been eating enough and I've been so worried. I'm sorry."

"Sharon it's okay." Andy responds, offering Rusty the chair opposite my bed.

"Rusty, sweetheart, I'm so sorry we missed your appointment." I apologize, reaching out to ruffle his hair.

"No, actually, I didn't miss it." He says.

"But you can't go by yourself?" I respond confused.

"I, ah," Andy starts, rocking on his heels, "I took him. You were still asleep and I know how important it was to get him there."

"Thank you." I reach up to wipe a tear that was threatening to blur my vision even more, "Rusty, how'd it go?"

"They gave me some injection." He answers, sounding annoyed, "And these giant pills, but if it helps it's worth it."

"Yeah it is." I smile, "Andy can you take him home?"

"Of course." He responds, "Hey kid, can I talk to your mother alone for a moment?"

"Yeah." Rusty answers, and I'm fairly certain he rolls his eyes, "I'll be waiting outside."

~oOo~

"Sharon, what were you thinking?!" Andy tries to scold, "I came in to check on you and you were just laying there and I thought something really bad happened! Your pulse was so weak and I..."

"I'm fine."

"You don't look fine." I watch him raise a blurry hand to his face, "Why the hell did you get up?! You couldn't see and just..." He lets out a deep sigh, "Dammit Sharon I thought I lost you!"

"I'm right here." I answer softly, "Andy I'm right here. And I got up to come check on everyone. I really thought I could work around it but I couldn't and I scared you and Rusty. I didn't mean to."

"I know you didn't." I feel him rub my shoulder, "And as much as I want to stay here with you, I need to get Rusty home. Call me if you need anything, okay. Your phone's right here," he pulls it from his pocket and sits it on the table next to me, "and we'll be back tomorrow, alright?"

"Thank you." I offer a smile, "I didn't mean to make you think that..." I don't even want to finish that sentence.

"Sharon, it's alright." He slides his hand down my shoulder to gently grip my hand, "You're alright. We're all going to be alright. Would you like me to bring you breakfast tomorrow?"

"Uh... Yes please." I nod happily, doing my best to ignore the clouds in my vision.

"Pancakes or waffles?" He asks, stroking the top of my hand with his thumb. _Oh, we're still holding hands_.

"Pancakes, please." I smile, "You know you don't have to do that."

"No." He shrugs, "But I want to." He leans forward and presses a kiss to my forehead, lingering there for a moment, "Get some rest, okay. I'll see you in the morning."

"Bye Andy." I watch sadly as he turns to head for the door, "I love you." I whisper, quiet enough I hope he doesn't hear me.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: I've taken far too long to update this story, but for the first time in quite a while I'm actually having a life, but I promise to update all of my stories more frequently. I have two more stories in the works at the moment, one of which is a babyfic *crosses fingers* Enjoy!

~oOo~

"Pancakes have arrived!" Andy announces happily the next morning, an IHOP bag held high above his head, "Good morning!"

"Morning." I smile, "Thank you. Where's Rusty?"

"He's in the other wing." Andy leans in and kisses my cheek, lingering for a moment, our faces close enough to feel one another's breath, "He wanted to meet other kids like him, help them learn to cope."

"He'll come down later though, won't he?" I question, getting lost in his mahogany eyes.

"He will. How are you feeling?" He asks, his face still inches away from mine as he reaches up and runs a hand through my hair.

 _God, did he hear what I said last night? Or is this him just being worried?_

"Really tired." I admit, pursing my lips in a sad attempt to smile, "What about you?"

 _What about you? Sharon, what kind of a question is that? You love him and he's this close to you, just kiss him!_

"I stayed with Rusty last night." His hand drops from my face down to the bag of pancakes, "I asked for strawberries on top, is that okay?" He opens the bag and pulls out a plastic container, fork, and a coffee, smiling brightly.

"You stayed with Rusty?" I question, sipping my coffee as he sits in the chair beside my bed, "Andy that's-"

"Don't worry about it." He reaches out and squeezes my free hand, "You know, those pancakes will be cold pretty soon."

"Oh, yeah." I shake my head and laugh lightly as I open the container, "Do you want some?"

"No, it's okay." He waves me off, "You need to eat."

"So do you." I reply through a mouthful of _amazing_ pancakes, "How did you know I like strawberries on them?"

"Lucky guess." He shrugs as I continue eating, "So I suppose you'll want me to update you if we get any cases?"

"Please." I divert my eyes to the container of pancakes, his eyes fixed intently on me, "And I'll need to call Emily and Ricky later."

"Rusty already did." He says slowly, almost as if he's embarassed to tell me, "That was the first thing he did after I brought him to the condo."

"I can't believe they didn't book a flight and call me right away." I shake my head, a smile tugging at my lips. I can feel myself getting stronger, and that along with Andy's presence is lifting my spirits.

"I kinda told him to tell them to give you a few days, just until you were on your feet again." He looks away, his gaze fixating on the bedside lamp, "I didn't want them interrupting your rest."

"Wow, Andy, that's," I take a sip of coffe as I try to organize my thoughts, "that's really sweet, thank you for doing that. And for taking care of Rusty last night and the pancakes and-"

"I told you not to worry about it." He smiles, reaching out to squeeze my hand again, "I did all of that because I wanted to, I promise."

"But you have your life too and the last thing you need is to be taking care of me because I'm too stubborn to do it myself." I realize that I'm pouting and quickly smile at him, "And it doesn't matter that you wanted to, I'm not your responsibility and neither is Rusty."

"And Rusty wasn't your responsibility at one point either." He counters, a sly smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth, "What's your point?"

"I can take care of myself." I shoot stubbornly, closing the pancake container and placing it back in the paper bag, "You can have the leftovers if you want."

"You need to eat." He protests, taking the container back out of the bag and opening it again, "All of it."

"It's a lot of food!" I whine, forcing myself to take another bite, "If I eat so much that I get sick Andy, I swear-" My threat is interrupted by Andy's phone ringing.

"Yeah, what's up?" I can hear Provenza grumbling on the other end of the line and suppress a laugh when Andy rolls his eyes, "Yeah, okay I'll be there in a few." He hangs up the phone and looks at me sadly, "I have to go, duty calls."

"Duty calls." I repeat as he leans in, pressing a chaste kiss to the corner of my mouth, "Call me later, please?"

"I will." He nods before kissing me again, this time on the lips, "Rusty should be down in a little while, eat your pancakes, get some rest, and make sure you check in with Ricky and Em, okay?"

"I'll make sure of it. Thank you." I offer a small smile as he leaves the cramped room, trying to wrap my mind around the exchange that had just occurred.

~oOo~

 _Standing at the edge of the water, a gently breeze twirling my hair, I can't help but feel at peace. It's almost picturesque, the high tide and the waves reflecting the sunlight in shades of orange, pink, and purple, a flock of Pelicans diving in and out of the water. The waves gently lap at my ankles, the frothy bubbles clinging to my feet before slowly fizzling out._

 _Something on the horizon catches my eye, a dolphin or a fish maybe? Whatever it is, it's splashing frantically, the breaking waves tossing it around like a rag doll._

 _"Sharon!" A voice calls and I spin around quickly, scanning the dunes for the sound of the voice, "Sharon!"_

 _"Where are you?" I yell, craning my neck, still unable to locate the voice, "Hello?"_

 _"Sharon, help!" The voice suddenly comes into focus and I realize... No! It's Andy! I run out into the ocean, trying my hardest to get to him._

 _"Andy?!" I scream frantically as a wave knocks me down, my glasses flying off, "Andy!" I can almost reach him, "Andy hold on!"_

 _"Sharon!" He manages to cough out one more time before the waves take him under._

 _"No!" I dive into the waves, the salty ocean water burning my eyes. I have to find him. Grabbing around frantically, I can't see anything. Coming up for a breath of air, I dive back down again. Calling his name under the water, I'm met by nothing but the sound of the ocean. He is gone._

~oOo~

"Sharon, Sharon wake up." I feel a gentle tug on my arm and my eyes fly open, a worried looking Rusty there to greet me, "Are you okay?"

"Honey I'm fine." I rub my eyes and push myself up in the bed, "It was just a bad dream, that's all. How was your morning? Andy said you were trying to meet other kids like you?"

"Well, sorta." He shrugs, "I've come to terms with the idea of my death. Some of them haven't, and because they haven't, they aren't trying to live while they still can. I'm trying to do everything I possibly can before something happens."

 _There he goes again, always the hero_.

"You're going to pull through this, you hear me?" I argue, the oncoming tears evident in the sound of my voice, "You will."

"But if I don't, I mean, like, I've accepted that. And I want to spend whatever I have left helping other people."

"I'm _so_ proud of you, Rusty." I reach out and grab his hand, "You've grown into such a brave, strong young man, and I'm grateful every day to call myself your mother."

He glances at me for a moment, his eyes reddening, "And I'm grateful to call myself your son. Now enough with the mushy stuff, okay? You need to call Emily and Ricky. Lieutenant Flynn told me to remind you."

"Of course he did." I roll my eyes and let out a light laugh, "Thank you for reminding me."

"No problem." He hands me my phone, "I'll give you a few minutes."

"No, no." I shake my head, unlocking my phone and dialing Ricky and Emily, "You can stay."

"Are you sure?" He looks at me hesitantly.

"Yes I'm sure." I smile, "Why wouldn't I let you?"

"Mom?" Ricky's voice interrupts me, "Mom, how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine sweetie." I grin, "I'm fine, honestly. Both of you are worrying too much."

"Not according to Little Brother and the Lieutenant." Emily chimes in. Rusty looks away guiltily and I reach over to pat his arm, "You need to take care of yourself Mom, or we'll come out there and do it for you."

"Yeah Mom, we will." Ricky threatens, "Little Brother needs you, you've gotta keep yourself strong for him."

"And you need to take care of yourself for _you_ , Mom. Don't listen to Ricky." She laughs.

"No, don't listen to _Emily_." He shoots back, and I can't help but smile.

"I'll listen to _both_ of you." I grin to myself, "You're _both_ right."

"Mom, we can't both be right!" Ricky argues jokingly, "You know I'm the one who's actually right!"

"You're both right!" I laugh, "Sometimes I forget that you two are in your twenties. You argue like you did when you were kids!"

"And that's why you love us." Emily sings happily, "You can't deny it."

"You're right Em, I can't." I shake my head, "How long do you two have to talk?"

"I'm almost out of time." Ricky sighs, "I'm going to get a haircut."

"That'll make Rusty happy." I laugh, the boy in question looking at me confusedly, "What about you, Emily?"

"I've got all day." She answers, "We don't have rehersal today, so I'm just relaxing. But I do have some questions for you." She states, a mysterious tone to her voice.

"Like what?"

"Like what about Lieutenant Flynn?" She giggles, "He seemed really worried about you and he was taking care of Rusty and..."

"We're just friends." _At least I think... I mean I love him but... We're not talking about that right now._

"Sure." She replies, disbelief in her voice, "So have you kissed yet?"

"Emily!" I feel the blush starting to burn my cheeks and I shake my head embarrassed.

"I... Need to... Go." Ricky says awkwardly, "I'll call again soon Mom."

"Bye Ricky, I love you." I smile as his line goes dead.

"So Mom, have you?" Emily questions again, "Because if Little Brother knows something, it's only a matter of time before Ricky and I find out."

"Not exactly." I admit quietly, "And even if we did, that's a part of my life I'm not comfortable sharing with you." Rusty glances over at me for a moment and shakes his head, standing up and quietly leaving the room.

"So you _have?!_ " She exclaims, "Go Mom!"

"Emily Anne Raydor, stop it!" I laugh, reaching up to cover my mouth.

"Oh okay." She sighs, "But one more question, was it a _good_ kiss?"

"We are _not_ having this conversation!" I can feel my cheeks burning even hotter now, "Goodbye Em. I love you."

"Love you too Mom, say hi to Little Brother and your boyfriend for me!"

"He's not my boyfriend!" I argue.

"Sure he isn't." She laughs before hanging up.

~oOo~

Was Emily right? Were Andy and I slowly falling into a domestic routine? The closeness we had developed these past few months was undeniable, but doing this with him, now, it wasn't right. His lips grazing mine and the warmth of his hands felt so right though, and when he slept aside of me, his arms wrapped protectively around my waist, I felt safe. All I had ever wanted was to feel safe and secure, but a portion of that had always come with the knowledge that I was the Ice Queen, the cold-hearted FID bitch, and Darth Raydor. Those facades barely made an appearance recently, as for the first time in nearly twenty years, I was able to be _Sharon_. Sharon, who burrowed her feelings deep enough for no one to find. Sharon, who sat crying on the floor of her office in the middle of the night, riddled with anxiety and panic. Sharon, who whispered her deepest emotions as the man that she loves took her dying son home for the night. Sharon- who had fallen in love with the most unlikely of men, Andy Flynn.

The ringing of my phone startled me, and I barely managed to stifle the surprised squeak that threatened to escape my throat.

"Duty calls." Andy greets me, "How are you doing?"

I shake my head and smile, never in a million years had I expected Andy to worry like a mother hen, "I'm still tired but so much better. I'm going stir crazy in here though, I would much rather be at a crime scene, and you know how much I _love_ them." I quip sarcastically.

"Trust me, bed rest is much better than our scene." He sighs.

"Oh," I breathe out, twirling the ends of my hair nervously, "It wasn't... Was it...?" I manage to mumble, unable to finish the sentence.

"It wasn't a kid, thank God." He lets out a deep breath, "But decapitation by machete isn't exactly aesthetically pleasing."

"Taylor's going to have my ass for this, isn't he?" I grumble, reaching for the remote for the bed and sitting myself up in a more comfortable position, "There's a maniac running around the city with a machete. Great."

"If you're that worried about being decapitated while you sleep, I could stay and protect you." He coughs, "If you want me to, that is."

I let out a light laugh and roll my eyes, "I highly doubt anyone is coming here to decapitate me."

"Oh, uhm, okay, I never asked then." He mumbles sheepishly.

"I never said I didn't want you to stay and protect me." I smirk victoriously, glad to finally have been able to put him at a loss for words, "I'd love it if you stayed with me tonight."

"Provenza's gonna kill me, you know that, right?" He jokes.

"Hopefully not with a machete." I laugh, "I've heard that's not much fun to look at."

"I never thought I'd see the day you joked about a murder. You really are going crazy, aren't you?"

"I told you so." I grin happily, "And Andy,"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for being there for Rusty and me. It means a lot."

"Don't worry about it. I told you you didn't need to worry about it."

"Doesn't mean I won't." I quip, "I'll see you later." I smile before hanging up the phone.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: My apologies to everyone for the slowness of these updates and updates to all of my stories. Marching band is killing me, I just got my wisdom teeth out, and I'm trying to juggle my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college on top of it all. Enough excuses, enjoy!

~oOo~

"What're you thinking about?" Andy questions, loosening the purple tie that hung around his neck and scooting his chair closer to my bed, "You look very... Pensive."

"Just thinking." I shake my head, one hand tracing up and down the clear IV tube that lead to my arm.

"About what?" He glances up at me, and I can see the pain of the past few days etched into his eyes, and maybe even a glimmer of hope for the conversation to come.

"Everything." I reply simply with a shrug of my shoulders, "So much has happened recently."

"That's life though, isn't it?" He questions, starting to reach for my hand before changing his mind and awkwardly retreating, "Sometimes everything happens at once."

"I guess so. So how was work?" I change the subject, hoping _desperately_ to avoid the topic of tension that still hung in the air between us, "A machete?"

"Yeah." He nods, his fingers rapidly tapping his knee as his shoulders slumped.

"Are you okay?" I ask, reaching out (against my better judgement) to place my hand atop his, "What's going on?"

"I uh..." His fingers didn't cease their little dance across his knee cap, even with my hand resting there "Taylor wanted everyone to stay and work the next few days straight and I..."

"Andy..." I look at him worriedly, gently squeezing his hand, "What did you do?"

"I... I told him I couldn't because I needed to help with you and Rusty and the jackass got mad and told me I couldn't. I... gave him my badge."

I glance at him for a moment and squeeze his hand again, trying to decide whether to be mad at him, or extremely touched. He didn't have to do it, and honestly, I don't know if this is a hole I'm going to be able to dig him out of. Him doing that for me _-for Rusty and I-_ is amazing. I'm literally forcing myself to keep from tearing up at his actions. But another part of me is furious. He spent his entire life building his career, and he's throwing it all away because I got a little lightheaded. He lost everything for this job; his family, his wife, and his friends. He's such an irrational, stubborn jackass sometimes, but he's mine. I realize a long silence has fallen between us and settle for a neutral comment.

"House husband doesn't seem a term very fitting to you."

"You're not mad?" He asks, his eyebrows shooting up with surprise as a very kissable smirk crosses his lips.

"Mad? I'm beyond mad at you but your intentions were good! I mean how can you just throw everything you've worked so hard for away like this? It's insane! _You're_ insane!" I let out a deep breath and watch curiously as his expression changes to his typical dorky grin, "Why are you smiling? Andy this isn't funny; you're ruining your career over me!"

"Maybe it was time for a change anyway." He shrugs, "I always thought having our own restaurant would be nice."

" _Our?_ " I question confusedly, pushing myself up in the bed, "Andy, this is a lot of information for me to be processing at once." I sigh, reaching up and covering my eyes for a moment, "I can't quit my job to help you with a dream that might not even work out."

"I'm not asking you to." He responds simply, his dark eyes glittering as he stands and steps up to my bed, reaching up and uncovering my face, his hand cradling mine, "It's just, dinner has always been something _we_ did, and you've always been one of the people that inspired this idea, not matter how insane it is."

"Wh... What?" I stutter, looking down at my lap in an attempt to avoid his eyes, "Do you even hear yourself right now?"

"It's crazy, I know," I see him shrug in my peripherals, "but you wouldn't want me any other way."

"Andy..." I look up at him, hoping my face appeared more serious and controlled than I felt, "Think about what you're saying..." I urge, now knowing that the conversation I was trying to avoid would've been _much_ simpler than this mess.

"Believe me, Sharon," he replies happily, "I've thought this through a hundred times. I enjoy cooking, and I've been told I'm pretty good." He grins, no doubt referring to my enjoyment the first time he had taught me how to make my very own spaghetti sauce, "And who better to be the driving force behind it than the woman who spent years making my life miserable."

"Charming." I roll my eyes at him, "You really want to do this, don't you?"

"I do. I've been looking, and I even found this little place a few blocks from the PAB! We can do this Sharon, even without you leaving Major Crimes. You'd probably be better with the interior decorating than me anyways." He adds the last part quickly, "I've always wanted to do this, and now I finally can." He reaches back for the chair and pulls it closer to the bed before sitting down, his hand never losing contact with mine.

"Andy." I look up at him, gently tapping the bed and moving over to the far side.

"Are... Are you sure?" He looks at me nervously, "I don't want to hurt you."

"I was exhausted, not shot." I reply sarcastically, "Come on, let's talk."

"Uh... Okay." He says, his voice still carrying the nervous energy his body language so clearly displayed as he kicked off his shoes and hung his jacket over the chair, "Tell me if I hurt you."

"You won't." I respond matter-of-factly, "Andy, it's okay." I try to reassure him.

He rolls his eyes and lets out a puff of air before settling in next to me, "There's no arguing with you, is there?"

"Nope." I smile and rest my head against his chest, his arm wrapping around my shoulder, "You should've figured that out a while ago."

"I did." He chuckles, the vibration from his laughter ringing against my skull, "Some things never change."

"Andy, can I tell you something?" I question, hoping I seemed more confident than I was feeling as I snuggled closer into his chest.

"Of course, Beautiful." He smiles before pressing a kiss to my forehead, "You can tell me anything."

"You're one of the best damned cops I ever knew." I admit, closing my eyes and making myself comfortable, "You made my life a living hell, but it was always because you did the wrong thing for the right reasons. And I can't help but feel like you're doing that again; losing your job because of me is no little thing, and I can't help but be mad at myself for your doing that. I really want you to think about the implications of what you're doing, please?"

"I have." He says again, my head rising and falling with the gentle rhythm of his breaths, "It wasn't wrong. Talking back to Taylor, giving him my badge, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I made a promise to be here for you and Rusty, and you need me right now. I don't care about the implications. Not now. I'll get everything figured out, you don't need to worry. Just let me hold you while you fall asleep, it's such a nice feeling."

"It is." I admit, and I feel his arm loosen around my shoulder. He was already drifting off, and I wasn't far behind.

~oOo~

The gentle sound of a door clicking closed shakes me from my slumber. I slowly open my eyes to see Andy with an arm still draped around me, a small smile playing on his lips even as he slept.

"Captain?" A hesitant voice asks and I turn my head to see Marissa standing there, her light blue eyes glittering with amusement, "You really shouldn't have overnight visitors." She smirks.

"I can wake him up." I reply, hoping I don't sound as saddened by the prospect as I feel, "He should probably go home anyways."

"He's fine." She shakes her head and picks up the clipboard attached to the foot of my bed, "It's morning anyways. Just for future reference, he shouldn't have stayed but I couldn't bring myself to wake either of you." She admits sheepishly.

"Thank you." I smile, looking away from her for a moment as I placed a gentle kiss to Andy's cheek, "Andy, wake up."

He lets out a grunt and pulls me closer to him, sending both Marissa and myself into a light fit of giggles, "Lieutenant, the Captain can go home as soon as you wake up." She grins again, signing off on some of my paperwork.

"Did you hear that Andy, I can go home." I whisper, placing another kiss to his cheek, "Then I can start planning for our restaurant." I grin, knowing that would probably catch his attention.

"Are you sure she's okay to go home?" He mumbles as his eyes slowly flicker open, "I don't want that to happen to her again."

"She'll be fine, especially if you help her." Marissa answers, a light blush coloring her cheeks, "Captain, make sure you eat three _generous_ meals, and drink at least eight glasses of water. You should feel a lot better now than when you came in, the nutrient IV seems to have done its job. Whenever he's up and ready to go, you're free to leave. Just make sure you check out with the nurses at the front desk, okay?"

"Of course." I nod, "How long until I can go back to work?" I question, knowing that Taylor would want me back as soon as possible because of both the machete killer and this mess Andy had created.

"Tomorrow, if you want to. The doctor recommends two or three days before you go back out in the field again."

"Not sure that's gonna happen." Andy replies with a chuckle as he reaches up and rubs the sleep from his eyes, "She's a stubborn one."

"Shut up." I hiss, gently elbowing him in the side, "So are you."

"Okay, well," Marissa looks back and forth between Andy and I, "I better get going, have to do my morning rounds. Best of luck to the both of you."

"Thank you Marissa." I smile as she turns and exits the room, "Andy come on, get up!" I exclaim excitedly, "Andy!"

"I'm up, I'm up!" He defends, throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation, "I can't get up until you do!" He adds with a quirked eyebrow, "I'm just your resident pillow!"

"Oh, shut up." I tease again, "You are incorrigible!" I laugh, climbing out of the small bed and picking up the bag of clothes Rusty had brought me, "I'm going to get dressed, don't do anything stupid while I'm gone!"

"I wouldn't dream of it!" He laughs as I head for the bathroom.

~oOo~

Five minutes, a pair of jeans, and a pink sweater later and we're ready to leave. Not that Andy will hear of it, but _I'm_ ready to leave.

"Sharon, you have to promise me you'll be able to keep yourself healthy this time, okay? I can't bear finding you like that again."

"It won't ever happen again Andy, I promise. I scared myself too." I admit, wrapping my arms around his waist and cuddling into his side, the scent of his day old cologne filling my senses, "Not to mention Taylor would probably have a coronary."

"He probably would." He responds as he presses a kiss to the crown of my head, "But maybe they would take the freeze off the promotions then." He teases.

"Don't even get me started." I roll my eyes playfully and release him from the hug, "Can we go now?"

"Of course." He grins, reaching over and linking his hand with mine, "After you."

After checking out and making our way to the car, Andy opens the door for me, a playful smirk tugging at his lips.

"What?" I question, doing my best to stifle a laugh, "Andy what's so funny?"

"Not funny, just interesting." He replies, reaching in to buckle my seatbelt.

"I can do that." I argue, "I'm not a baby."

"Just let me do it." He responds, buckling the belt before I even had another chance to argue. He closes my door and walks around the front of the car before situating himself and starting the car.

"So, what's so _interesting?_ " I ask as he pulls out onto the main highway and steps on the gas.

"Well," he shrugs, and I can tell whatever he's about to say is something he's second-guessing, "I've never seen you without makeup before, and I have to say I think you're even more beautiful without it."

"Uhm, thank you." I respond awkwardly, a deep blush burning my cheeks, "Where are we going?" I ask when he misses the turnoff to my condo, "I swear if you're taking me to some ridiculous surprise party I will… Well I can't send you to sensitivity training anymore, but I'll think of something!" I threaten and watch intently as his smile widens.

"No surprise party, unless you want one that is." He shrugs, "I want you to see the place I'm looking at for the restaurant, if you're up for it."

"I'd love to." I admit honestly. As much as I hated this idea last night, it was really starting to grow on me. He's so excited about the whole idea, and that makes me excited for him. But I have to admit I will miss seeing him in the murder room every day.

"Really?" He asks happily, glancing at me for a moment, his dark eye glimmering with excitement.

"Yes really." I laugh, "Where is it?"

"A few blocks from the PAB, down near the corner of Spring and Third."

"Could become the new happening place for the LAPD to go for lunch." I smirk as he passes the PAB, "Can we stop on the way back to my condo, just to let Taylor know I'll be back tomorrow?"

"Sure." He shrugs, "But I probably shouldn't go in there."

"You're getting hell from Provenza, aren't you?" I laugh, trying to find the positive of his current predicament, "He won't want to train a rookie, you know that right? Then he'll be _my_ problem."

"Yeah, but," He quirks an eyebrow, "maybe without me there he'll mellow a bit."

"Doubt it." I shake my head with a smirk as he parks the car in front of the 'restaurant.'

"Welcome to Raylynn Beck Bar and Grill." He announces happily as he opens my door and extends his hand.

"Where did you even come up with that name?" I laugh, intertwining my fingers with his as we walk to the entrance of the prospective location, "Isn't it a little long?"

"You just have to ruin everything, don't you?" He shoots sarcastically as he pulls the keys from his pocket and unlocks the door, "There's a method to madness, I promise."

"Mhmm." I hum as he holds the door for me, "Like I haven't heard that one before."

"You're totally killing the mood right now." He chuckles, closing the door and coming to stand beside me, "Raylynn Beck is us Sharon, _Ray_ dor, F _lynn_ , and _Beck_. If you don't like it I can come up with something else…"

"No, no." I look at him for a moment before grasping his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze, "It's great. But a bar? Are you sure that's a good idea?" I question carefully, hoping not to have offended him.

"It'll be fine Sharon, I've gone over twenty years without a drink, I think I can handle it. Not to mention all the times I've gone out for drinks with everyone after a case. How else do you think I'm going to get Provenza to come visit anyways? I'm naming the place after us for god's sake! I'll be lucky if he ever talks to me again!" He laughs sarcastically, "He really hates this whole idea of us, you know."

"Trust me," I roll my eyes, "I know. I heard him when you helped me walk into the office the other day. He's not very happy."

"You haven't even heard the half of it." He grins, guiding me over to where the bar sat, the only piece of furniture in the barren space, "I swear he's gonna have a heart attack when he hears us use first names."

"Oh, please no, then I'd have to replace my two senior Lieutenants." I sigh, wrapping an arm around his waist and nuzzling into his side again, "Does Rusty know about this place? That you're naming it after him?"

"Not yet." He replies, his hand rubbing circles on my back, "I figured I'd wait until after his next treatment, see if he has a little more energy."

"Hey," I pull out to look up at him, his chocolate eyes sparkling, "have I ever told you how glad I am to have you in my life? For me and Rusty. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I don't know what I'd do without you either." He admits, looking down at me with eyes so full of emotion, "I know I made your life miserable when you were in FID, but you helped me to become a better man and cop. That rant you gave me about being an alcoholic after you found me at a bar one night, that's the reason I finally got sober."

"Really?" I ask surprisedly, "I didn't know that."

"Well, now you do." He grins before leaning down and pressing a chaste kiss to my lips, "So I was thinking big circular wooden tables over there," He points to the far corner of the restaurant, "and booths and rectangular tables we can push together over there." He points to the wall closest to where we are standing, "What do you think?"

"I think you don't really need me for the interior decorating." I smirk, my arms still wrapped tightly around his waist, "It seems like you've got a pretty good handle on it."

"Maybe I'd just like the extra help, especially if it's you." He grins, leaning down and gently kissing me again, "Did you ever think of that?"

"Well if you put it that way, I'd love to help you." I smile happily, "Have you put in on the location yet? I can't imagine it'll stay for sale long with the area and all."

"I wanted to see what you said first." He admits sheepishly, "You're on board, so by tomorrow morning it should be a done deal."

"Andy…" I look at him hesitantly for a moment, already knowing the answer to my question before I asked it, "If this is supposed to be our place, would you want me to help you pay for it? It's not a problem, but you're naming it after us, and if this is really going to be _ours_ , I don't want you to pay for all of it."

"Sharon," he releases me from our embrace and rests his hands on my shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze, "you don't have to pay me anything. In fact, I don't want you to. With all of Rusty's doctor's bills and appointments, I don't want you to have to worry about this too. The extra money we get from this place can go towards his treatments if you're okay with that?"

"I can't ask you to do that." I reply, my face falling as I thought about all of the different things he was implying, "Rusty and I are financially stable, and the insurance helps a lot. That's a very generous offer, but I can't accept it."

"I kinda knew you were going to say that." He shrugs, "Do you still want to stop at the office on the way home?"

"If it's not a problem." I reach up and squeeze his hand, "I'll just have to text Rusty and let him know we'll be a while yet. I'm sure Taylor isn't going to let me off easy, especially with the case you are all working right now. I'll be lucky if he doesn't blackmail me into resigning." I laugh cynically.

"Sharon, that's not funny." He says seriously, his features hardening, "If he says anything out of line to you, tell me okay?"

"What could you possibly do even if he did? I can take care of myself, however I do appreciate it." I smile, standing up on my tip toes to gently peck his lips.

"Could you do me a favor while you're there?" He asks hesitantly as we head towards the exit of _our_ restaurant.

"If it involves defending you to Provenza, the answer is no." I tease, "That's something you've got to do on your own." I smirk as we get into the car.

"I was actually going to ask you if you could get the stuff from my desk if you have a chance?" There's cardboard boxes in the break room I think. I know it's stupid of me to ask but-"

"No." I cut him off, reaching over to pat his thigh as we pulled into the parking garage, "I'll do it. It's not stupid of you to ask." I assure him, "I don't know how long I'm going to be, you don't have to stay here and wait for me if you don't want to. Rusty would probably be glad to see you if you want to stop by for a little while? I can call you when I'm about finished up?"

"Sounds good to me." He smiles, "Thank you Sharon."

"It's not a problem Andy." I respond, leaning in and gently pecking his lips again, "I'll see you in a little bit."

"You better." He teases with a wink, "Goodbye Beautiful."


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: I've taken waaaay too long to update this. Sorry. I was stuck writing this chapter for a good month and a half. Hopefully the amount of super fluff makes up for that :)

~oOo~

"No, Chief, I don't think you understand." I shake my head, my gaze falling to the empty cardboard box in my hands before I lift my eyes to meet his again, "I am not responsible for the members of this unit while I am _incapacitated in the hospital._ " I fix him with a glare, "And, on top of that, you're burning them out Chief. Having them work more than twenty four hours straight does nothing but diminish our chances of finding a lead. Send them home and let them rest."

"I didn't realise you were promoted to Chief." He offers a smug grin, "This is my department and I will run it how I see fit. This is a very high profile case Captain, and we need all of our men working it."

"When your men are so sleep deprived that they can't keep their eyes open during an interview, no progress is going to be made. If anything it will drag the investigation out and lead to more murders."

"Fine." He eventually concedes, "Just know that whatever happens next, that's on your shoulders Captain. Go dismiss them."

~oOo~

"I still don't know what you see in him." Provenza grumbles under his breath as he helps me pack up Andy's things.

"I'm not having this discussion with you Lieutenant." I reply flatly, opening the desk drawer and grinning to myself when I see the little red beanbag I shot all those years ago.

"The man's an idiot! Please tell me you're gonna talk him out of leaving!"

"As juvenile as he can be at times, he is an adult and can make his own decisions."

"You can't let him! Come on Captain, we need him! _You_ need him!"

"I told Andy I would not defend him against you, if you have a problem with what he did I suggest you take it up with him. As his friend, I thought you would've respected his decision, especially given his motives for doing so."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." He waves his hand in the air dismissively as I place a few books into the box, "Chivalry's not dead. The Idiot made sure to protect the Queen and the Prince." "Precisely." I grin to myself, hoping I could suppress the blush creeping across my cheeks as I pulled out my phone and sent a quick text to the _Idiot_ in question, "I'll let him tell you his newest idea." I whisper with a smirk, picking up the box and strutting victoriously out of the murder room.

~oOo~

"Hey." I greet happily upon finding Andy in the parking garage, his back turned to me as he fumbled around in the trunk.

"Hey yourself." He quips but doesn't turn to face me, "I can't make room back here for that box."

He grumbles somewhat disappointedly.

"It's fine." I let out a puff of air in an attempt to move a lock of hair that had fallen in front of my eyes, "I can just put it in the back."

"I'm sorry." He rubs his forehead and glances at me for a second, "Let me take that." He says before promptly removing the box from my arms, "Open the door?"

"I got it." I open the door for him and he leans into the car, the heavy scent of his cologne washing over me.

I love him. I've already come to terms with that. But wanting to kiss him, wanting to hold him like this when the lines drawn between us were still so unclear, I can't help but worry about it. I'm usually better at keeping my emotions in check.

How do I even start a conversation about that with him? _'Hey you're my best friend and I'm in love with you?' 'You're naming a restaurant after me and helping me take care of my dying son and I love you?' 'You held me and stayed in the hospital with me all night, and I may or may not have taken those actions to heart?'_

"Sharon?" Andy startles me, the look in his eyes reminiscent of the one I had seen when he found me curled up behind my desk, "Sharon are you alright?" He reaches up and places one hand on my shoulder as the other cups my cheek.

"Yeah, sorry." I shake my head awkwardly, "I just drifted off for a moment."

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yes Andy." I offer a small smile as he strokes my cheek with his thumb, "I promise I'm fine."

"And you would tell me if you weren't, wouldn't you?" He questions, worry still visible in his features.

"I would tell you if something was wrong, I promise." I reach up and place my hand on top of his, watching as his expression changes from worried to surprised, "Can we go home now?"

"Uh, yeah... Of course." He runs his thumb across my cheek one last time before removing his hand from beneath mine and opening my car door.

~oOo~

 _How had I ever survived a day without Andrew Flynn before? How could I have ever come home by myself to Rusty the way things are? I'm not sure I would be able to, and I'm forever grateful to have Andy by my side._

Sitting down to a dinner of grilled cheese (which Andy refused to let me make or even help with) I was constantly being bombarded with questions from Rusty. What happened to me frightened him, and with the dark cloud of his mortality constantly hanging over us, the thought of something horrible happening to me made the situation worse. I couldn't have died, but seeing me in the hospital hooked up to machines, that was a reality check for all of us _Andy included_ .

"So how'd it go with Chief Taylor?" Andy asks when Rusty finally runs out of questions, "Provenza's been texting me all day."

"I convinced him to send everyone home. Amy looked like she was going to fall asleep on me, and I know I'm not that boring."

Andy lets out a light chuckle before shifting his gaze nervously, "Did he say anything about me?"

"I told him I couldn't be held responsible for your actions while I was in the hospital. He wasn't too happy about it but he knows I'm right. Provenza's the one you should be more worried about, he wants me to talk you into coming back."

"Wait... You're not going back?" Rusty questions curiously, his ears perking up with interest, "What're you gonna do then?"

"I'm starting up a restaurant." He states proudly, "a few blocks from the PAB. I can take you to see it tomorrow if you'd like?"

"It depends on how I feel." Rusty replies sadly, his skin flushing as the stress of the past few days finally began to catch up with him, "But that's really great Lieutenant."

"Don't... You want to know what I'm calling it?" Andy asks cautiously, both excited and worried about Rusty's reaction.

"Okay..." Rusty eyes him carefully, "What are you calling it?"

"Well, I was thinking Raylynn Beck Bar and Grill." He offers nervously and I reach under the table to pat his thigh encouragingly, "We'll still need a mascot though, maybe you'd want to help with that?"

"Uh... Yeah okay. Let me sleep on it. Thanks for dinner Lieutenant." He stands up and carries his plate to the kitchen and starts cleaning up, "Good night Sharon."

"Come here." I stand up and walk over to him, pulling him into my arms and kissing his forehead, "Good night Rusty, I love you."

"I love you too." He grumbles, hoping I would let go of him sooner rather than later.

"Thank you for giving Andy a chance." I whisper as I let him go, "Get some sleep Honey."

"I will." He rolls his eyes as he disappears down the hallway.

~oOo~

"Thank you for dinner." I smile, Andy and I standing at the door to my condo, "You didn't have to."

"I know." He shrugs playfully, "But it's the least I could do for the two of you."

"Why?" I ask hesitantly, my gaze falling to the floor, "Why do you feel so protective of us Andy? I know I asked you to be here for me, but you're doing so much more than I ever expected you would and "

"That's what you do when you care about someone." He admits, reaching out and gently threading his fingers through mine, "If it's too much I... I can tone it down a bit if... that'd help?" He suggests hesitantly.

"I'm not sure… I just… I don't want us to be a burden for you." I finally explain, "You've already lost your job over me, and you want to help pay Rusty's medical bills and it just seems like so much for you to be doing for us."

"I've told you a hundred time I _want_ to." He emphasises, pulling me into his arms, "Just relax

Sharon, you really need to relax."

"I know." I sigh defeatedly, "But you shouldn't be doing all this for us."

"I'm going to do it anyways." He replies childishly, "No matter how many times you ask me not to. I made a promise to take care of you two and that's exactly what I intend to do."

"But Andy…" I sigh, wrapping my arms around his waist.

"No. No buts. I'm doing this for the two of you and you are going to let me because that's what friends do." He retorts, kissing the crown of my head, "You can argue with me until you're blue in the face but it isn't going to change anything."

"God, you are so stubborn." I shake my head, "You're driving me insane, I hope you know that."

"And that's why you love me."

 _Oh no. Had he heard what I said in the hospital? Or was this just him trying to be charming? Or had he somehow figured out that I really do love him?_ His fingers delicately pushing a strand of hair behind my ear jarrs me back to reality and I look up at him, hopefully appearing less startled than I felt.

"What?" I ask, hoping he'd change his response.

"I drive you crazy, I'm a jackass, and I make your life a living hell. That's why you love me." He smirks.

 _No. And I thought this situation couldn't get any worse._

"I think it's time for you to leave. Thank you so much for everything the past few days." I offer a weak smile as I unwrap my arms from around him. He makes no attempt to do the same.

"What's wrong?" He asks worriedly, "Did I say something? Everything was fine until a minute ago, talk to me, please?"

"Not right now." I shake my head, "Please, I really think you should get going."

"Fine." He concedes sadly, "I'm glad to know this is how you treat the people that care about you. Good night Sharon." He says monotone before turning and walking out the door.

~oOo~

 _Shit. I messed everything up. Again. Because I'm too afraid to actually admit that I have feelings for him. Now he's gone, sad, and probably sitting in his living room in the dark, trying to figure out what he did wrong._

But it wasn't him. It was me overreacting for what seemed like the hundredth time, and him pulling away yet again. _Is he right? Is this how I treat the people I care about?_ It's been so long since I've romantically cared for someone that I'm not sure. Maybe he _is_ right.

Curling up in bed and picking up my phone from the bedside table, I dial his number. I'm not ready to tell him I love him, but I want to set things right. I want to explain to him why I reacted the way I had.

"Yeah?" He answers, "Sharon?"

"Hey." I answer, trying to mask how happy I was to hear his voice, "Are you busy? Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"I always have time for you." He replies, and I swallow hard in attempt to mask my nervousness,

"If this is about earlier, it's fine. You don't need to explain yourself to me."

"No, I do." I shake my head, "You've done nothing but support Rusty and me through all of this and all I did in return was shut you out. You deserve better than that."

"Really, it's fine. I don't want you to feel like you _have_ to tell me something."

"I don't. I just needed to get my thoughts together. I'm sorry for how I acted earlier it's "

"Sharon, I told you it's fine. Whenever you're ready to explain, I'm ready to listen."

"Well I hope you're prepared to listen then." I respond, taking a deep breath and preparing myself for the absolute worst, "What would you say if I told you the reason I freaked out is because you were right? That maybe I care about you more than I'm letting on?"

 _The momentary silence on the other end of the line is deafening_ . "I would say that I figured that out quite a while ago, and that I know you're scared."

 _Why do I feel like I'm going to cry again?! I really need to get a hold of myself._ "You… you knew?" I ask hesitantly.

"I mean," I hear him run a hand through his silver hair, "I wasn't sure but I thought maybe, and I was trying to be subtle but at the same time I was trying to give you space because you said you needed space and it's just… I don't know."

"Well that makes two of us then." I smile to myself, "I guess… hearing you say that I loved you scared me because I realised how close to true that is and how I was trying to keep this from happening and I failed." I let out a deep sigh, "I didn't want this to happen because of Rusty and the repercussions of us and him and the cancer and…" Tears are biting at the back of my throat and I pause in an attempt to regain my composure, "This is so ridiculous."

"We've been ridiculous since day one." He chuckles, "Do you remember the first day we met?"

"I do." I respond reminiscently, "I got called out at nearly two in the morning to get you from some dive. Ricky was still little and I was pregnant with Emily; Jack disappeared again so I had to bring them along and for God knows what reason you tried to talk me into coming home with you. Got a pretty nice slap across the face for that one too if I'm not mistaken." I grin to myself.

"You're not mistaking." He chuckles, "I had a red spot on my face for nearly a week. You can't even imagine the hell Provenza gave me for that."

"We've come so far since then." I smile, my voice suddenly taking on an airy quality I can't explain, "I think maybe that's part of what scares me."

"There's nothing to be afraid of Sharon." He assures me, "Now that we've got most of everything out in the open."

" _Most?"_ I question nervously, "What does that mean?"

"It means that… Maybe… Nevermind." He sighs, "That'll only make things even more complicated."

 _Is he trying to say what I think he's trying to say?!_ "You… You feel the same way about me, don't you?" I question, my hands shaking nervously despite my attempts to still them.

"I… ah," he sighs, "I don't want to make things worse than they already are. I shouldn't have said anything."

"No, Andy, I'm sorry. I screwed everything up again in trying to make it better."

"You didn't, honestly Sharon you didn't. But I know why you're scared and I don't want to make things any more difficult for you than they already are."

"It's too late for that, honestly." I shake my head. wrapping the quilt tighter around myself,

"We've said what we've been trying not to say in one way or another. It's out there now."

"You know," I can hear him reach up and scratch his jaw, "my dad, before he left, he used to always tell me and Jimmy that someone didn't have to say 'I love you' to love you. He wrote up this whole list for us, I think I still have it here somewhere, give me one sec." He asks before I hear him fumbling around and cursing at whatever he had just knocked over, "Found it!" He exclaims happily, "Now, let's see here… I'm just going to read down the list."

"Alright." I hum, surprised that he could make such a touchy subject humerous.

"Okay… Here goes nothing…" He lets out a deep breath, "'Did you eat enough today?' 'Are you still hungry?' 'How much sleep did you get last night?' 'I'm worried about you.' 'Is there anything I can do to help?' 'Do you need me to spend the night?' 'My phone will be right by my pillow.' 'Call me, please.' 'Your smile is beautiful.' Don't worry, I'll take care of it for you.' 'I've got your back.' 'I appreciate what you do for me.' 'Don't forget to buckle up.' 'Put the phone away while you're driving.' 'Call me when you get there.' 'Thank you.' 'Stay safe.' 'Be careful.' I think between the two of us we've exhausted this list." He states, and I can almost see the smirk that is no doubt drawn across his face.

"So… What does this mean then?"

"What do you want it to mean?" He questions, "It doesn't have to mean anything if it'll be too difficult right now, just know that I've got your back."

"So, say we wait…" I start hesitantly, "Wait until we know what's going to happen to Rusty. What if I…" I'm on the verge of tears again, "What if he doesn't make it and I push you away even more than before. What if I hurt you… or… or have another attack or get depressed and make you leave me alone? What then? What if…"

"No matter what happens to Rusty, I'm not letting you go. You can cry, you can lock me out, you can even yell at me, but that's not going to keep me from at least trying to take care of you."

"How did I ever get so lucky?" I ask seriously, "After everything the two of us have been through, after all the terrible things we've put our loved ones through, how did we end up finding even a little bit of happiness?"

"I don't know Sharon." He yawns, "Are we okay then?"

"Yes." I smile, "We're better than okay, Andy. Thank you for talking with me."

"My phone'll be on all night if you need me. Good night Sweetheart, sleep well."

"Good night Andy, I'll see you tomorrow."

Hanging up my phone and sitting it back down on the nightstand, I let out a contented sigh. _How had things changed so drastically in just a matter of days?_


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N: I have limited internet for the time being, so updates will most likely be more delayed than usual. My apologies. Also, this chapter was difficult for me to write due to the emotional complexity of it._

 _A/N2: To everythingbutsleep: More focus on Rusty this chapter. Sorta. Which is funny because I had most of this chapter written before receiving your comment. Anyway, hope everyone enjoys!_

 _~oOo~_

 _Another day, another emergency._ After the past few months I should be used to this, but I'm not.

 _So much is happening at once._ I'm sorting through personnel files trying to find Andy's replacement while the team works tirelessly to catch the machete killer.

"Raydor." I answer quickly when my phone starts ringing. I'm met by silence so I try again, "Hello?"

"Sharon sweetheart, it's me." Andy greets, sounding slightly breathless.

"Andy, what's wrong?" I question anxiously, closing my files and standing to pace across my office, "Andy, what's happening? Is everything okay?"

"Everything's going to be fine." He sighs, "But I'm at the hospital with Rusty." I pick up my purse and open the door when Andy stops me, "I'm here with him. Stay at work, please? They need you, and I'm holding down the fort over here."

"What… What happened?" I question, closing the door and leaning back against it, willing away the tears that were begging to fall, "Andy, I need to be there."

"Sweetheart, please just trust me, okay?" He asks quietly, "You need to keep yourself busy, distract yourself until he's out of surgery. You won't be able to help him if you're even more of a nervous wreck than you have been lately."

"He's… In surgery?" My voice hitches in my throat and I close my eyes, a single tear sliding down my cheek, "At least tell me what happened, _please."_

"I stopped by the condo this morning to check on him and make him some breakfast." He lets out a deep sigh, "I asked him if he could put the orange juice on the table and he just... He just collapsed Sharon. I panicked and called 911; his breathing was so shallow and I… I thought we were going to lose him Sharon. I was so afraid that boy was going to die in my arms." He admits quietly, "The doc said his brain swelled up and the pressure kept the blood from circulating. They have to drill a hole in his skull to help bring the swelling down."

"Oh my god." I breathe out quietly, covering my mouth with my other hand and pinching my eyes shut as the tears finally begin to fall, "I can't lose him Andy, I can't."

" _We_ aren't going to lose him Sharon, I'm not gonna let that happen, I promise." He cooes.

"I'm coming to the hospital." I manage to say through my tears, "I'll be there in five minutes I'll use the sir-"

"That's not a good idea Sweetheart please, Taylor isn't going to want you to leave and the last thing you need is him to be even more frustrated with you."

"Oh, fuck Taylor!" I exclaim, and I'm surprised by the words that come out of my mouth, "My son needs me more than the team does! I'm coming to the hospital!" I state before storming out of my office and towards the elevators.

~oOo~

"Sharon, he's fine. Everything's going to be fine." Andy assures me, massaging my back as I continue to cry, "Rusty's gonna pull through, I know he will."

"But Andy," I manage to sob out as I hold tightly to him and continue to cry, "what if he doesn't? What if we lose him?" _The thought was unbearable._

"I talked to a nurse when I brought him in and she said he should be fine." He continues to massage my back as he places a kiss to the top of my head, "She said this was a routine procedure and that there was nothing to worry about."

"I'm so scared Andy." I admit as my phone rings for the third time and I ignore it again, "I don't want to lose him." _God, I sound like a broken record._

"I'm looking for the family of Russell Beck." A nurse comes out and Andy and I quickly walk over to her.

"Uh, we're right here." I respond, reaching down and linking my hand with Andy's, "I'm his mother."

"Your son is out of surgery and it looks like he'll make a full recovery. If he hadn't been brought in when he was, we would've lost him." The nurse explains, diverting her eyes away from Andy and me.

"Why did… Why did his brain swell?" I ask nervously as Andy runs his thumb across my knuckles in an attempt to soothe me.

"Well," she lets out a deep breath and lowers her clipboard to her side, "We've had three patients come in the past week with swelling of the brain, and all of the them were part of the Kiposkamine clinical trial." She admits grimly.

"I want to see my son." I demand as Andy squeezes my hand reassuringly.

"Ma'am, your son is still in critical condition. Hospital policy states that patients in critical condition are to remain undisturbed until they become stable."

"And how long will that be?" I grit my teeth, letting go of Andy's hand to bunch my own into tight fists, "I am _his mother."_

"I understand that this is a difficult time for you," she empathises, "but it is in your son's best interest that you allow him the time to properly heal."

"If _you hadn't offered my son a deadly clinical trial, he wouldn't need to heal."_ I hiss, and I feel Andy's arm wrap protectively around my waist.

"Sharon, calm down." He whispers, turning me around and directing me towards the sliding glass doors.

"How long?!" I fight my way out of Andy's grasp and storm towards the nurse, "How long until I can see him!?"

"A day, maybe two." She responds as Andy

latches onto me again and drags me from the hospital.

~oOo~

 _I haven't felt this helpless since the third time Jack left._ This whole time, I've been trying to hide how afraid am; I hoped seeing me (seemingly) unfazed by everything would give Rusty motivation as well. _But now he was gone and I could cry without worrying he'd hear me._

 _And that's exactly what I'm doing._

Curled up on my bed, a pillow held tightly against my chest, I finally allow myself to cry. The tears are hot against my face as I gasp for breath, my body heaving uncontrollably. _The fact that I'm going to lose him is finally becoming real, and it's terrifying._

I hear the condo door open, but I could care less. Andy finally managed to pick the lock; I guess I'll have to be mad at him for that later. _I wanted to be alone._ I had run up to the condo and locked myself in before he was hardly out of the car. That should've been evidence enough that I needed time to myself, but he was persistent, and he was doing it because he cared. _Maybe I shouldn't be mad at him after all._

"Sharon?" I hear him call quietly as he opens my bedroom door, the dim hallway light filtering through the crack, "Sweetheart?"

"Please, just go away. I need some space right now." I manage to mumble through my tears in a futile attempt to stop them, "I don't want you to see me like this."

"Well, _I_ want to see you this way." He replies, and it dawns on me just how similar this scene is to the one in my office all those nights ago, "Everything is going to be fine Sharon." He coos before inching into bed beside me, "Rusty is supposed to make a full recovery." He whispers and wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me to him, resting his head on my shoulder, "I know this is scary- hell, I'm scared too-, but we're gonna get through this. As a _family._ "

I spent so long battling my emotions that I hadn't realised it happened: We became a _family._ Andy was right. And it was no longer _my_ son in the hospital but _our_ son, _our_ son that _we_ hadcaredfor _together_ these past few gruelling months. And it was no longer just my emotions at stake, but _ours._

"Andy, he's going to _die."_ I manage to whisper as he pulls me closer to him still, my body heaving with each breath, "The trial was the only hope we had and… And it almost killed him Andy."

"Sharon I know this is scary," he begins, pausing to place a kiss to my jaw, "but we're going to find Rusty a great doctor who knows what the hell they're doing. Then I'll open the restaurant and start a fundraiser and save all the money we make and put it towards Rusty. We're not going down without a fight Sharon, we can't."

"Andy?" I turn in his arms so that I am facing him, discarding my pillow to the side as I go, "Can you do something for me?" I question, hoping to mask the current wave of emotions that was overtaking me, "Andy?"

He looks at me with those chocolate eyes that always melt my heart, his concern for me evident in his features, "Anything Sharon, just tell me what."

Without another word I mesh my lips with his, he hesitates at first but matches my intensity as his fingertips danced across the tender skin above my waist, "Andy." I whisper into the dark as he trails burning kisses down my neck.

"Sweetheart?" He stops his path down my body and locks his eyes with mine, "Are you sure?"

I shake my head and lean forward, pressing our foreheads together as I breathed against his lips, "Andy I'm sure." _There was nothing I wanted more in this moment than to feel something other than grief._

"I don't want you to do something you'll regret." He closes his eyes and kisses the top of my nose, his hand coming up to toy with a strand of hair that had been framing my face.

"I don't regret you Andy." I lean in and kiss his lips, not pulling back but leaving my face mere centimetres from his, "I could never regret you, or _this_." I state before strongly capturing his lips again as his hands began to roam once more. _I just needed to get my mind off of this hectic situation for a few hours._

~oOo~

My eyes flutter open and a wave of guilt washes over me. _I love Andy, but I used him._ Used him to take my mind off of Rusty, and in probably the _worst_ way possible. I try and get out of bed but Andy tightens his grip around my waist, drawing me back to him.

"I'm not doing that again Sharon." He states groggily, "I'm not letting you give into your grief like that again. I won't do it. Look at me, please Sharon. Let me know you're okay." He begs as I continue to work my way out of his grasp.

"I'm fine." I reply, picking up one of the throw blankets and wrapping it around myself before disappearing into the bathroom.

 _What the hell? What the hell am I thinking? What the hell was I thinking last night? Of course I wanted to sleep with Andy, but not because I was an emotional mess and needed to feel something other than sadness. Dammit._

"Sharon?" I hear Andy softly knock on the bathroom door and I tie the bow on my night robe before opening the door, "I'm sorry," He sighs, his chocolate eyes focusing on me intently as he scratched his chin, "I shouldn't have..." his cheeks flush a bright shade of pink, "taken advantage of you that way."

"Don't apologise." I shake my head, reaching up and running a hand through my unruly hair, "I'm the one that took advantage. I'm the one that took something meaningful and destroyed it, not you."

"What do you mean _destroyed it_?" Andy narrows his eyes, trying his hardest to sum up our current situation, "Sharon, you haven't destroyed anything. I'll admit," he shrugs, "that's not what I expected our first night together to be like, but your motives for doing it don't change how we feel about each other, you know that, don't you?"

"Let's just not talk about it any more, okay?" I respond, walking past him and back into the bedroom to pick out an outfit, "I want to go see Rusty."

"Sharon," Andy turns and looks at me sadly, "don't push me away, please. I told you I'd be there for you, and _nothing_ is going to change that. Nothing has, and nothing will. If you're going to the hospital I'm going with you." He persists, picking up his t-shirt and jeans before retreating to the bathroom.

~oOo~

 _They did so much more than drill a hole in Rusty's skull._ Sitting with Andy in Rusty's hospital room, clutching his hand so tightly my knuckles were beginning to turn white, I can't help the tears that stream down my cheeks. _I could hardly look at him without losing what little bit of composure I had left._

"Shh, Sharon it's okay." Andy coos, pulling me into his arms, holding my head against his chest as I cried, "Rusty is fine. He's going to be fine."

"Mhm." I close my eyes and draw my lips into my mouth as Andy continues to massage my head, "But look at him Andy." I whisper through my tears, "I never accepted that this was going to happen."

"Rusty is going to be fine." He assures me again, but I'm not sure he believes it himself. I open my eyes when I hear a knock on the door, sitting up and rubbing my eyes as the door opened.

"Hello." A man in dark blue scrubs says quietly, closing the door before extending his hand to Andy and then to me, "I'm Doctor Shepherd."

"Hi." I look up at him hopefully as he sits in a chair across from us, "How is he?" I ask, looking over to Rusty as Andy gently squeezes my hand.

"He's doing very well." He assures us, "Your son's a fighter. It took a lot to get him equalised, but we did it. Most patients wouldn't have been able to survive what he's been through, but give him a week and I think he'll be progressing quite nicely." He adds as he runs a hand through his dark brown hair.

"What… What did you have to do to him exactly?" I ask cautiously and Andy squeezes my hand again before letting go and wrapping his arm around my waist, "Why are there bandages all over him?"

"We had to perform what's known as a craniotomy. I don't think you want to hear the details, but essentially we had to cut and remove a piece of his skull so that the brain was able to swell. Then, once the swelling went down we were able to close the wound. We're keeping him sedated right now until his brain is a little stronger. If we wake him up too soon and his brain gets overloaded with sensory information, there could be complications. We have to be very careful with his recovery plan, and the closer to healed his brain is when we start, the easier it'll be for all of you."

"What about the tumor? And the trial? Without the trial… he…" My voice trails off and I wipe my nose before glancing over to Andy sadly.

"Mr and Mrs. Raydor," he extends his hands, neither Andy or myself making any attempt to correct him, "his tumor is very aggressive and is located in the centre of his brain. But," he lets out a deep sigh, "I can attempt a surgery." My breath hitches in my throat and Andy gently squeezes my waist, "Your son is an adult, so we'll have to wait until he wakes up to proceed any further."

"And how long will it be… until you wake him up?" I ask shakily, still trying to process all of the information being thrown at me, "How long until my son is awake again?"

"We'll be weaning him off of the sedative for the next few days, and after that it's up to him." Doctor Shepherd stands and extends his hand once again before heading towards the glass door, "I'll call you if there's any change in your son's condition."

"Thank you." Andy and I both responds in unison as Doctor Shepherd disappears into the busy hallway.


	12. Chapter 12

_A/N: I'm finally back, YAY! This is gonna get pretty dark pretty quickly_

 _TW: Talk of suicide_

oOo~

After what felt like years, I finally got some time to myself. I was thankful that Andy had finally respected my wish to be alone for a while. I _needed_ this time.

Standing at the edge of the beach in the black of night with the brisk wind biting at my hands, I let out a deep sigh. The full moon throws an eerie reflection on the calm water, and I wonder if there is a time I've ever been more at peace.

 _My whole world is collapsing around me, and I'm spending time at the beach._ I let out a deep breath and take a small step into the black water, a shiver escaping my body as the water numbed my toes.

 _It was good._ That feeling of being numb; that feeling that at least for the next few minutes I wouldn't have to _feel_. Taking another hesitant step into the water, I drag my fingertips across the cool surface, entranced by the ripples my fingers created. Now in water up to my waist, I let out another sigh. _What am I doing in the ocean in the black of night?_ I wish I knew.

I wish I knew why I felt so overwhelmed. I wish I knew why I couldn't stop crying. I wish I knew why I was pushing Andy away when all he was trying to do was help me. _I wish I knew._

 _I felt unstoppable._ Each step I took came with more conviction than the last, as if some invisible force was driving me forward. Now the water lapped at my ears and chin, violent shivers overtaking my body as the frigid water soaked in.

 _Ice_. I felt like solid ice as I ducked beneath the water, hardly moving as the current pushed me to and fro. It was a great feeling, to feel nothing but my own existence for just one moment.

" _Sharon! Sharon where are you?!"_ A voice calls as the water tosses me around more violently, " _Sharon!"_

 _I couldn't move._ It was almost as if in that moment I was _dead_.

" _Sharon!"_ The voice calls again and I know it's Andy, but no matter how hard I try my limbs won't obey the command to bring me to the surface, " _Sharon!"_

 _There it was, like a knife in my back, that one kick of contact before Andy's strong arms lifted me from the water._

"Sharon, Sharon oh my god!" He cries and pulls me tightly against his chest, the water lapping at my toes as he fought against the current. _If only I could move. If only I could tell him I'm okay,_ "Just keep breathing sweetheart, please." He begs, his breath hot against my cheek as he stumbles ashore before staggering through the sand, "Don't leave me Sharon, _please_ don't leave me."

 _I won't Andy, I won't._ I try to respond, but my body refuses to obey once again. I can hear the blood pumping in my ears and the breeze that nipped at my already frigid skin before Andy placed me in the back seat of his car and sped off down the highway.

"Everything is going to be okay Sharon, just hold on for a few more minutes, _please._ " I can hear Andy begging through the tears as his voice slowly fades out.

~oOo~

When I come to, everything is hazy, almost as if steam were covering my eyes. I try to draw a breath but struggle, feeling as if I'm choking as my body fights me.

"Sharon, you're awake!" Andy exclaims frantically as I feel him take something out of my throat before kissing my cheek, "I'll be right back, just try and breathe okay sweetheart?" He asks before rushing out of the room.

 _Oh God. I had actually almost killed myself. Rusty is dying and my response was to kill myself. What's wrong with me? That's not who I am, not who my parents raised me to be, and certainly_ not _the person Rusty or Andy need me to be._

The door clicks open and Andy rushes back in, followed by none other than Marissa, my nurse from last time. She looks at me wide-eyed for a moment before taking my vitals, and I let out a deep sigh and close my eyes as she does so. It hurts to breathe but I try my hardest, as both Marissa and Andy cautiously encourage me to inhale and exhale.

"Tell me what happened." Marissa coaxes softly as Andy offers her his chair. I slowly look to her and blink once, trying to hold back the tears that were welling in my eyes.

"I…" I try to begin, but my voice comes out as nothing more than a squeak. I cough and Andy quickly opens his water bottle and offers it to me. I take a grateful sip and try again, my voice sounding foreign yet strangely mine as I spoke, "I… I don't know. We talked to Dr. Shepherd and I ran. I was standing on the beach, and then… then I was drowning. It was like I was frozen. I couldn't move, I couldn't swim, and I couldn't do _anything_. The last thing I remember is… is Andy putting me in the car." My voice trails off remorsefully, "What is wrong with me?"

"Andy, can I talk to you outside please?" Marissa asks and motions towards the door with her eyes as she and Andy both stand and walk towards the door.

"I'll be right back." He assures me, placing a kiss to my forehead before following Marissa out.

~oOo~

I can't hear their conversation, but I can see Andy's growing frustration through the window. His face is red and he is continuously running his hands through his hair and scratching his face. I've known Andy long enough to know what those gestures mean: _Nothing but bad news._

 _Oh God, I hope they're not talking about Rusty._ That one thought shakes me to my very core, the thought that while I was off being reckless, Rusty's condition could've changed, or _worse._

I quickly glance away from the door as Andy carefully opens it and walks back into the small room, "Hi." I say quietly as I nervously bite my bottom lip.

"Hi." He lets out a deep sigh and sits in the chair beside me, clasping his hands in his lap and bowing his head, "You lied to Marissa." He states plainly, "Did you think for even _one second_ about what you were doing?" His head is still bowed, and I can't bring myself to look at him either, "Well?"

"I don't know." I can feel the tears biting at my eyes, "I don't know what I was thinking, okay? One minute I'm standing on the beach admiring the sunset, and the next I'm underwater. What do you want me to say? It was like I had no control over my body. I just kept walking. And walking." I let out a deep sigh, "You know I would never-"

"No!" He raises his voice, his hands covering his face as he begins to cry, "I _don't_ know! I don't know anything anymore Sharon! As far as anyone can tell, you tried to _kill yourself_ tonight. How am I supposed to explain that to Ricky and Emily? To Rusty and Provenza and Chief Taylor? How do you expect me to tell everyone that ever _depended_ on you or _loved you_ that you tried to take your own life? _That_ is what Marissa and I were talking about. She asked me how I felt about you seeing a psychologist, and I told her I thought it might be in your best interest to for a while." He shrugs and rubs his eyes before lifting his gaze to look at me, "You scared me Sharon, _really_ scared me. And I can only help you so much." He sighs sadly again.

"I'm fine Andy. I am, truly. Am I struggling? A bit, but it's nothing I can't work through on my own."

"No!" He bursts out again, this time his eyes locking with mine as he filled with rage, "You are _not_ okay! If I hadn't pinged your car's location, you would have _died_! You are _not_ okay Sharon, and no one expects you to be. But you have to realise when you've hit your limit, and when to ask for help. We can only do so much to help you. You also have to be willing to accept the help we're offering."

I close my eyes for a moment and take a deep breath, soaking in his words. _He was right_. He was right, and I needed to accept his help. I swallow the lump in my throat and open my eyes, "Can I tell you something?" He nods his head and I let out another deep breath, reaching up to push a strand of hair behind my ear before I speak, "Every day I take my gun and hold it to my head," I hear him inhale quickly, "and sometimes I think about pulling the trigger. About how easily we could end our own lives, about how easy it is for us to forget just how blessed we are to even be here in the first place. But maybe it isn't a blessing. Maybe being here isn't a blessing at all. I was always raised to believe in God. But what kind of sick bastard would bring a boy into my life, into my _heart_ , only to burden him with a deadly disease?"

"The same kind of sick bastard that would bring you into my life, into my _heart_ ," he repeats, "only to burden _you_ with a deadly disease."

"I'm not dying Andy, I'm not." I argue, toying with the bracelet on my wrist, "I'm not."

"You _are_." He argues strongly, "It's not something I talk about, but my mother was depressed too. She had a sister who died in a shooting right before I was born. I only ever knew her as being sad, _gray_ almost. And one day she… she took a handful of pills. I came home from school and she was lying on the couch. I thought she was just sleeping, but she wasn't. I tried for hours to wake her up until my father got home. Where you are now, that's where she started. And losing her, that killed me. But losing you would be even worse. So just… just _stop_ saying you're fine! You told me yourself that _every damn day_ you think about shooting yourself. What if you had died tonight? What if in three days time Rusty woke up and the first thing I had to tell him was that you killed yourself? What then? What would happen to Rusty? Did you _ever_ think about that? How do you think Emily and Ricky would feel? What about the department, about _me_? Do you realise how incredibly _selfish_ you are?"

I finally force myself to meet his eyes, and I can see the pain he was feeling. His cheeks were flushed, and his face was marked with bitter tears as they traced their way down his sharp features. _How am I even supposed to respond to him? How am I supposed to tell him that I don't regret what I did, not even for a_ second? _How am I supposed to tell him that the grief I feel for Rusty trumps my feelings for him?_

"I'm sorry I hurt you." I admit quietly, "It's just…" I sigh, "I don't _feel_ anything anymore. Even when I'm with you, when I used to feel so loved, so _in love,_ now I just feel numb. When we go to a crime scene, I don't feel loss for the victims. I feel like everything that's been happening is a nightmare I can't wake up from. I just want to wake up…" I sigh, my voice trailing off as I close my eyes and wrap the thin blankets tighter around myself.

"I know sweetheart, I know." He responds solemnly, "And I'm going to do everything I can to help you." He sighs, "A psychologist should be in later to talk with you, okay?" He questions, to which I just nod my head. "I'm going to call Emily and Ricky and let them know what's going on. Then I'll have to talk to the chief and let him know he's going to have to survive a few days without us. Unless you need me, I want to stay with Rusty. He could wake up any time now, and I don't want him to be alone."

"Thank you." I feel my tension ease as he places a kiss to my forehead, "And I know apologising means nothing, but I'm sorry to have scared you this way."

"You're alive, that's what matters." He states as he heads towards the door, "Next is the hard part."


	13. Chapter 13

_A/N: After months and months and months I'm finally back! I'm going to do my best to update this story, The Mighty Fall, and Little Slippers as regularly as possible. For anyone that's been waiting on me to update: thank you for your dedication!_

~oOo~

It wasn't like I haven't talked to a psychologist before, but something about this felt so invasive. Justifying your actions in a shooting was nothing compared to baring your soul to a complete stranger.

I watch as the woman across from me continues to write in her notebook. It was starting to drive me insane, watching her and not knowing what she's writing.

"What are you…" I point to the paper and she looks up at me, her gray eyes trying to read me.

She offers a small smile before answering my question, "I'm taking notes." She replies sweetly.

"Dr. Mulford," I let out a sigh and look at her, "I'm fine. This is unnecessary, really."

"Sharon," she lets out a deep breath and runs a hand through her blonde hair, "I understand that you have a problem when it comes to asking for help. Which is why I'm _not_ asking. I'm here to help you, please try and cooperate with me."

I let out a puff of air and lean back into the uncomfortable hospital bed, "What do you expect me to say?" I ask as I close my eyes, trying to keep myself calm.

"I want you to explain as best you can everything that's happened in the past few months." She tries gently, and it makes me want to wring her neck. She had _no_ idea what I've been through, yet she thinks she can help.

I roll my eyes before responding sarcastically, "You have no idea."

"So give me one." Her persistence was truly starting to aggravate me.

"Fine." I let out a deep breath before sitting myself up in the bed, "My adopted son has what looks like terminal cancer and there's nothing I can do to help him. My best friend has been helping me to take care of him too and the clinical trial he was in," my voice starts to break and I swallow hard, pushing the tears back down, "it almost killed him. And Andy, he's trying so hard to be there for us, but I'm so scared." I admit quietly.

"When your son was diagnosed, what did you do?" She asks as she continues to write.

 _How is this relevant?_ "I took him home."

"And then what?" She prompts.

"Rusty went to bed and I just sat and cried and thought about everything." I say quietly.

"How did your son react to the news?"

"He seemed indifferent almost." I answer as I think, "But he's had a lot thrown at him so he's good at hiding his emotions."

"Did you ever try to talk to him about it?" The Doctor asks and I try not to sigh. _Is she patronising me?_

"We do, from time to time." I explain, "It's just difficult because he's tired so often and I'm working."

"What about your friend, you said his name's Andy?" She asks.

"Dr. Mulford," I sigh and close my eyes again, "I don't want to talk about Andy right now."

"You can call me Heather." She tries, "And if he's as fond of you and your son as you say he is, then his involvement in your life is important to me."

God, if there was one thing I don't want to talk about right now, it was him.I sit and think for a moment, my eyes following the crack on the ceiling tile as I tried to figure out what to say.

"I love him." I state quietly, watching as her gaze lands on me sympathetically, "He's done so much for Rusty and I, and things are so complicated between us right now and…" I let out another sigh, "And then I went to the beach and…" I wasn't sure how to finish the sentence.

"Tell me about the beach." Heather prompts, watching as my face fell.

"I don't know." I shake my head, "Andy says I'm lying but… I'm really not sure. I was just standing there and then I was walking into the water but I felt like I had no control over it. I tried to swim but my body wouldn't move and…" My voice breaks and I cover my hand with my mouth, trying my

hardest not to cry in front of her.

"What about…" she hesitates, "what you told Andy about your gun?"

 _Dammit._ I take off my glasses and rub my eyes, trying to maintain my composure, "Whatever he made it sound like, it isn't."

"So then what is it?" She questions with a quirked eyebrow.

"I don't think," I start, toying with my hands as I look at her, "we understand how fragile life is until we don't have anymore." I explain, "And it's a surreal feeling, I think, to be able to hold a weapon in my hand and know it has the capacity to take a human life, but look at my son and know that his body is killing him, even though he looks harmless."

She nods her head and continues to write, "I absolutely understand." She says, a light accent to her voice. I'm surprised by her reaction and I shoot her a perplexed look.

"But what I don't understand is why you're so hell-bent on hurting yourself that you don't see that Rusty needs you. _You're_ the one that should be with him right now, not Andy. _You're_ the one that should take him to his appointments and talk with him to make sure he's okay, not Andy."

At that moment my door is flung open and I jump, surprised to see Andy standing there, his cheeks red and his clothes rumpled, "Doc I'm sorry to interrupt," he looks from Heather to me, "he's awake."

I can't help the tears that start streaming down my face, and the sob that escapes my throat. I extend my arms and Andy comes to me, wrapping me in a hug, "He woke up." The words come out quietly and I squeeze him tightly, afraid to let go, "Take me to see him." I ask.

He releases me from the hug, pressing a kiss to my forehead before running out of the room and down the hallway, shouting "Let me check with Marissa!" as he went.

"Well, Sharon," Heather says quietly, no doubt watching me as I tried to stop crying, "that's quite a development."

"It is." I respond with a watery smile when Andy returns with a wheelchair.

"I'll let you go." Heather stands and heads for the door, "We'll be in touch Sharon."

"Thank you." I nod, watching as she leaves the room. I immediately look to Andy, trying to keep myself from crying again, "Thank you." I breathe out quietly.

"You're welcome." He says as he presses a kiss to my hairline, "Now let's take you to see your son."

~oOo~

"Rusty, hi." I say quietly, reaching out and squeezing his hand. He slowly opens his eyes and looks at me, and I can't help but start crying again, "How are you feeling?"

"Like somebody drilled a hole in my head." He laughs weakly, "What happened to you?"

I bite my lip and glance to Andy. He shakes his head and I look back to Rusty, forcing myself to smile, "Nothing, I'm fine." I lie.

"Hospital gown and wheelchair don't really count as _fine_ Sharon." He argues and I let out a breath, trying not to upset him.

"It can wait until later." I offer a small smile, giving his hand a gentle squeeze, "I'm so sorry I wasn't there." I say in a small voice and I feel Andy squeeze my shoulder from his place behind my wheelchair, "I should've been there."

"You were at work." Rusty responds, his voice sleepy as he closes his eyes and leans back in the bed, "You didn't know something was going to happen."

"I didn't." I pull my lips into my mouth in an attempt to regain my composure, "But from now on you're going to be my priority." I squeeze his hand again, watching as pain flashes across his face.

"No, Sharon." He says, "Don't worry about it. You have your job, that's more important."

"No, it's _not_." I responds strongly yet softly, thinking back to what Heather had said, "You need me, and I was too busy to notice. Nothing is more important than you. You're my son." I force a smile, even though his eyes are closed.

"I'm not supposed to be a problem for you though Sharon, not like this." He breathes out and more than anything I want to embrace him, despite the nurse telling me not to.

"What you are," I begin as Andy squeezes my shoulder again, "is _not_ a problem, do you hear me? When I took you in, long before I adopted you, you became my son. And as your mother, it is my duty to care for you. Don't you think your brother and sister gave me trouble too?"

"Yeah," he laughs weakly, "but they didn't try and die on you."

 _So much for not crying._ "Don't talk like that." I beg quietly as I squeeze his hand again, "You're going to be fine because you're a Raydor, and Raydors don't give up." I feel Andy's hand on my shoulder again and close my eyes for a moment before speaking again, "Raydors don't give up."

When Rusty doesn't respond I look to Andy worriedly. He points to the monitor beside the bed, the yellow line still falling and rising rhythmically, "He fell asleep." He starts to wheel me away when I respond quietly.

"Not yet. I want to stay with him." I look at Andy sadly, already knowing how he'll respond.

"I know sweetheart, I know." He offers me a sad smile, "But you're a patient too, you need to go back to your room. I'm sorry."

"It's okay." I force a smile before taking a shaky step out of my chair and placing a kiss to Rusty's forehead, "I love you Rusty." I whisper quietly before sitting back down and letting Andy push me away.

~oOo~

 _I couldn't stop thinking about it._ The way Rusty seemed so small and fragile. I knew better than to comment on it, but he looked terrible. I want nothing more than to wrap him in my arms and protect him, but I can't, not _yet._ I glance up at Andy to where he is sitting in the chair beside my bed, his head held in his hands. I can tell he's deep in thought as well, and against my better judgement I decide to disturb him.

"Andy," he looks up at me slowly, his eyes red, "you don't have to stay with me. You can go to him." I offer what I hope is an encouraging smile but he shakes his head.

"I should be here with you." He sighs and rubs his eyes as he bows his head again, "Incase you need me."

"I'll be fine." I reach out and place my hand atop his, "You're like the dad he never had, he'll be glad if he wakes up and finds you there."

He offers me a forced smile as he weighs his decisions, "I can't stay with both of you at the same time." He breathes out, seemingly torn by the choices in front of him.

"Go to Rusty then." I try, knowing that's what he truly wants to do, "I'm fine, you don't need to worry about me." I try to look more confident than I feel, grateful when Andy leans in and gently kisses my lips.

"Okay, I'll go. But you text me if you need me." He says worriedly, "I mean it."

"I will, I promise." I say as he heads for the door, "Oh, and Andy," he turns and looks at me, now standing in the doorway, "thank you."

"There's no need for you to thank me. Now get some rest." He instructs before walking down the corridor.


End file.
